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Wednesday, October 24th, 2007
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11:57 pm - Jason sucks.
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He can post about FFXI and Coke but he can't put in his own LJ that he asked his g/f, ME! to marry him.....Somethings just never change, ya know? Lets you know what's important to some people. Sometimes I just never feel like I'll ever be first in front of some things, ya know?
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| Sunday, October 29th, 2006
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9:35 am
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I think that i'm having another self esteem issue. I'm not really sure what caused it this time around, but it's weird that's it's lasting more than two days. I know that I'm not beautiful, or pretty or even really remotely attractive, but usually I can have my spat bout it and do what I ned to do and I'm fine in a few hours. This one is a lil more than that. I guess it's because yesterday I was sitting with Jason and I said something about not being pretty and he said " I tell you that you have pretty eyes all the time. " And I said " Well, having pretty eyes doesn't make me pretty." I dunno. Just seems that the entire thing was him not sure how to make me feel better while not having to lie to me about the way that I look. But, he has his ways of doing things like that, where you can tell that he wants to say one thing, or not say something else and is struggling how to word it.
Is it because I'm fat? Or just? Maybe that's why none of my relationships last. We date on the net for a while, and it's all great and fine because of my personality and then we meet and it's totally different. I guess they're just not happy because I don't look like the character that I RP, or the video game I play, or don't look like the porn pictures that they have. I think that hurts also. That I can't be perfect. I wish I was....I do....but it just doesn't happen that way, I don't think.
I know it's been a while, but I don't really wanna talk to Jason about it because it's just not his problem, for one, and he doesn't really know how to help. Which is ok, because I can deal with it myself.....I don't want him to feel bad about my drama. I guess sometimes it's just harder for some of us to accept that it's what God gave us and we should be thankful.
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| Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
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9:43 pm - Baka neko-chan.
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Well, I fessed up to Jason about how I felt about the whole "Using" him thing. I dunno. Actually. First. I'll talk about what set this entire thing in motion. I thought about it last night and it bothered me so much that I might be using Jay to get over Kris that I went to Jason to see what he thought about the whole thing.
After he finished bashing me about my post and actually stopped and listened to what I had to say about the whole thing and let me get him on the subject that I wanted him on it went rather well. I'll include that. But first...earlier today Jason sent me an IM that bothered the hell out of me.
Here that is:
Sabrethefox: you made me blush last night... do yo uknow that
Sabrethefox: i was lost for words
Lita FireStorm: Blush?
Lita FireStorm: What in the world did I say that made you blush?
Sabrethefox: well you know when you called back and fell asleep again on the phone?
Lita FireStorm: o.o; uh huh
Lita FireStorm: lol that was funny
Sabrethefox: you were really out of it
Lita FireStorm: " I woke up and now I can't sleep. "
Lita FireStorm: " And I'm not --..zzzzzzz "
Sabrethefox: you said "Want to tell you that I love you" 2 minute pass "Foxie ::mummblemummble::
Lita FireStorm: ...Eh?
Sabrethefox: yup
Lita FireStorm: ::Frown:: I did?
Sabrethefox: yes
That totally threw me for a loop. I must have sat there staring at the screen for an eternity. I couldn't understand how I could say something that I'm so afraid of. Honestly, the word scares me stupid...I don't like to say it even to my own family anymore.
People say that you're most honest and most vulnerable right before you fall asleep...But I still can't believe I said that. I actually told him that I was sorry for saying it. Hah. I'm an idiot.
In any case, here's the rest of the conversation we had this evenin:
Sabrethefox: you wanted to talk?
Sabrethefox: lay it on me
Lita FireStorm: Hold on until this is over, because if I try to say it while watching it I won't be in the mood and mess it up.
Lita FireStorm: Hold a second.
Lita FireStorm: There. Blocked everyone but you ^^;
Lita FireStorm: Still there or did I scare you away?
Sabrethefox: still here
Lita FireStorm: Alright.
Lita FireStorm: Scared? x.x...You're not sayin' much.
Sabrethefox: I am just waiting for you to spill the beans on something that apparently will make me say "ya, i dont want to go on with you" or "that's cool... feel better?"
Sabrethefox: since apparently, thats what you think I am gonna do
Lita FireStorm: Not gonna do. That's what I want you to do.
Sabrethefox: eh?
Lita FireStorm: That's why I'm saying this. Because I feel that honesty is the greatest thing that people can have between one another. Honesty about everything and every sense of the word.
Sabrethefox: do you want to talk on the phone or aim back and forth?
Lita FireStorm: AIM, because I usually think better when I type. When I talk I forget things.
Sabrethefox: ok.. so.. shoot
Lita FireStorm: I'm getting around to it, that honesty thing was my opening...
Lita FireStorm: Maybe I should jsut let you read my journal..x.x
Sabrethefox: link?
Lita FireStorm: I'm a chicken shit, really...Ugh.
Lita FireStorm: Keep in mind that this was yesterday, and some of the feelings in here have changed and have simmered down from then, ok?
Sabrethefox: link
Lita FireStorm: Oh, never mind.
Sabrethefox: come on tell me
Lita FireStorm: You're being short with me and this is hard enough as it is.
Sabrethefox: no I am just asking for the link... its like one of those dramas where yo are waiting for the catch and theygo on commercial break x.x
Sabrethefox: i dont understand what is happening, you have to see it from my side as well :-(
Sabrethefox: something is obviously biting you, and its killing me on what it could be
Lita FireStorm: Because I'm nervous/scared/jumpy/edgy and I suck at the feeling thing, ok? There is a reason my nickname was the Stone Statue. But I want to try to get things right this time and try to do it right instead of doing nothing but talking to a journal page all the time and figureing things out all on my own instead of talking to the person concerned.
Sabrethefox: okies
Lita FireStorm: One of my little " Issues, " so pardon me if it takes me a minute to get up the gumption to just throw it out there.
Sabrethefox: make sense... but its killing me
Lita FireStorm: Dejiko-Chan's Journal
Lita FireStorm: First post.
Sabrethefox: i see
Lita FireStorm: Ok.
Lita FireStorm: So.
Lita FireStorm: Since yesterday I've called down alot about the missing him shit. I think it's that after 5 years he's what familiar with me and what I'm used to. I'm sure you went through something similar and what not with Shel...
Sabrethefox: i knew that was going to happen is all i can really say
Lita FireStorm: I did to.
Lita FireStorm: But he's still my friend.
Sabrethefox: i think you are an idiot for doing it, and more so for inviting him over on "his way back". You are fucking yourself up, and I dunno what to tell you.
Lita FireStorm: I wanted to see if I was strong enough to be able to do it and not be bothered...Guess I'm not.
Lita FireStorm: ...That's...
Sabrethefox: you are going to do nothing but fuck yourself up more if you continue to think "you can go back" because, you will once again get screwed over... and by then, I am gone
Lita FireStorm: That's not the part I wanted you to see, Jay. I know about the Kris thing.
Lita FireStorm: I'm fnie with that.
Lita FireStorm: ::brow arch::
Sabrethefox: I told you several times that I was wondering if I am a rebound... your post says it... it looks like I am and nothing more
Lita FireStorm: Then you didn't read the post, and you need to readit over.
Sabrethefox: you want the feelings to be there for me, but you are thinking back
Lita FireStorm: And then you need to scroll the fuck down and read the rest of the God danm posts, because obviously you don't get it.
Sabrethefox: hmmm...
Lita FireStorm: I'M NOT THINKING BACK AND THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.
Lita FireStorm: Get your god damn head out of your ass and listen, yeah?
Sabrethefox: I must be blind... your post goes into me making the slip-up... then back to him, and then how you dont want to make the same mistake twice... then that you do not love me.. then you give the "i am not talking to you" crap, which is bullshit you were tired and upset, and I was just sitting watching TV the whole night.
Sabrethefox: I do not want you to feel like I was giving you the cold shoulder, I just did not know what to say since you seemed very pissy and I didnt want to piss you off even more
Lita FireStorm: So say so. Don't just...not respond. that's the worst thing you can do.
Sabrethefox: I responded to every message you gave me
Lita FireStorm: sparsely and after time.
Sabrethefox: but then you caught on and said that you were pissy... and I could not believe you thought about something I said to show me hypocritical over a fly-by-night comment
Sabrethefox: it was a comment i said that I didnt even think about after I said it
Sabrethefox: so I shrugged and said "man wtf? I get home and she drills me?"
Lita FireStorm: I did -not- give you that link so that you could sit there and critisize my feelings and thoughts of the moment, got it?
Sabrethefox: I am not... I am just reading what you had to say... its really easy to misinterperet what is written when it involves you ya know?
Lita FireStorm: What happened was last night,I apologized and hadn't even thought about it until you just brought it up. That was last night, I don't care about last night that's not eevn the point of this.
Lita FireStorm: So ask, don't assume.
Sabrethefox: see.. you are getting defensive on something I am missing
Sabrethefox: so, after reading all of this... where am I supposed to go?
Lita FireStorm: Because you're not letting me talk, you're just blasting me for shit I don't even care about.
Sabrethefox: ok.. shoot
Sabrethefox: you think better typing... and I am just looking stupid reacting to text :p
Lita FireStorm: I...::sigh:: I wanted you to read the past about how I felt like I was using you to get over Kris. I wanted to tell you that I did feel like I am, but not in a bad way because I -do- care about you and enjoy being with you. This whole damn thing came about because H said I was using you as a crutch and the idea scared me so much that I couldn't think of our relationship like that. Thus I wanted to talk to you, and tell you how I felt and see if...well...if you felt the same way that H does.
Sabrethefox: personally I thought you wanted to be with me, that you left Kris in the backdrop of "friends" and that we would grow into a couple. I never once thought (well only the first week or two after us even meeting) that I was the rebound guy. Hell I was with someone for 8 years, so you could feel the same way about me using you as a crutch.
Sabrethefox: I seriously like you, and I would like to grow with you, and all kidding aside, could actually think of giving you "the ring".
Sabrethefox: you always tell me "i am not good" or "how do you put up with me?" well... I think you are awesome, I love the little things about you that make me giggle... hell I even talk about you to the guys at work as if you were down the street from me
Lita FireStorm: Truthfully, I thought that I was over Kris enough to have a relationship and not be effected by him and I was doing fine until I saw him again. Which, yes, you did advise against, but I wanted to prove to myself that I was strong enough to go through with it. I did it for me, as well as for you because I want to be strong enough to be the kind of person I want to be and the kind of person I think that I should be for you.
Sabrethefox: but you wont get over 5 years in a small time period.. I honestly thought it would be a year or close to it... especially when we get closer and decide that "ya we are right for each other"
Sabrethefox: I understand that there will be times when you will mentally compare me to him when we are together, like it or not I will have a standard to go off of
Lita FireStorm: I never compare you to him.
Lita FireStorm: Ever.
Lita FireStorm: I have yet to, and I hope to God I never will.
Sabrethefox: heh
Sabrethefox: so how do you really feel about me? what do you think or even want for us to do?
Lita FireStorm: If you were here, or I was there it wouldn't be any problem at all. I could see him every day and it wouldn't bother me. I guess I'm just such a physical person and a cuddly person...I dunno how to even explain myself.
Lita FireStorm: Remember what I told you last time about how I felt about you and what I thought about our relationship?
Sabrethefox: i know.. that is the hardest part of a LD Relationship
Lita FireStorm: Kitty is weak when it comes to being petted..::frown::
Sabrethefox: well the last time you mentioned that you were gigglly and we were playing around... you said you wanted to marry me and move out here
Lita FireStorm: ::nod:: I still would.
Sabrethefox: ya know if you come out here and are like "yes, we were meant for each other" thats a big commitment for you
Sabrethefox: it was gfor me when I left my home
Lita FireStorm: Commitment doesn't scare me, Jason.
Lita FireStorm: I asked Kris to come down here and he did and it didn't work out and I hated myself because he said the only reason that he came out here was to make ME happy...Not for himself. If I go out there I know it's because -I- want to and not because the other person says I want them to.
Sabrethefox: I want you to be with me here at my side... I want you to be happy as I believe someone like you should be... I just want you to understand that even being everything but phsyical I have got kind of geady about you
Sabrethefox: you make me smile... you make me blush... you make me open up... and you see me act dumb and read outside of the box rather than staying inside it
Sabrethefox: if I am being short, then I am sorry when I do... I am not mad or bitchy... I just never got passed the "man I sound dumb if I say that in text" because I cannout hold your cheeks and look into your eyes and smile
Lita FireStorm: I read text by words and punctuation and wording. If you only use one word and don't take the time to ue a period and elipse or what not you're usually in a grouchy mood or something is on your mind.
Sabrethefox: but a lot of my messages lack punctioation
Sabrethefox: punctuation
Lita FireStorm: Yes but your wording makes up for that.
Sabrethefox: i see ._.
Lita FireStorm: Just like if you're being sincere you'll "..." in between phrases like you need to take a breathbecause it's soemthing you're shy about saying.
Sabrethefox: so... umm... I still want to be with you, I want to be your knight in shining armour who takes his princess and lives happily ever after... that is, if you let me
Lita FireStorm: ::Smiles:: Of course I want you to, that's why I told you how I felt. To let you decide what you wanted.
Sabrethefox: ...and you are cute ^^
Lita FireStorm: ::bop:: No.
Lita FireStorm: Jus' try not to read too much into my journal. After Kris broke up with there is a person writing there that I don't let out much...A person I don't like very much.
Sabrethefox: well to me it sounds like you are getting feelings for me, but "love" wont be entering that until we touch... or at least you dont think it will, but it can happen
Lita FireStorm: Honestly...I'm just scared of it, Jason.
Sabrethefox: I am sure if I was off-center and tried to visit Shelley, I would probably be in the same ballpark as your problem
Sabrethefox: scared of falling in love for me?
Lita FireStorm: Love in general. But yes, falling in love constitutes with that as well.
Sabrethefox: look missy, if I have to go out there and beat the snot out of Kris from removing "love" from your dictionary I will... I want you to have that "funny feeling" about me that puts you in the "omg, I can admit I love that retard"
Lita FireStorm: After Justin and Kris I just want to be more cautious about it this time. After 5 years of hearing" Life isn't a fairy tale, and no prince is here to sweep you off your feet and no one really acts like people do in those books you have," I guess it started to sink in...Especially being told that in the middle of a break up.
Sabrethefox: well.. I believe in Fairy Tales... and I always will... life is like a bunch of chocolate... you just grabbed the ones that left a bad taste in your mouth. Your box is getting empty and there is always the one candy that makes you go "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm" So.. crack my wrapper and lemme know what you think
Lita FireStorm: I guess if you do get the guts to read down that far you'll see that, but, like I said, those posts are pretty scary.
Lita FireStorm: -.-; Retard.
Sabrethefox: I leave myself open on anything you said... so when I read through it, I got stabbied and reacted because I read it too fast... so it just shows me I need to always open my eyes and think before speaking, or I look like a bigger reatrd
Sabrethefox: who cannot type
Lita FireStorm: I skip around alot when I post because I just type whatever comes to mind.
Lita FireStorm: So don't get all weird if you read something you don't understand..Like I said..just ask.
Sabrethefox: ya I had to skip up a few paragraphs to see what you meant
Lita FireStorm: You should read those that you skipped first.
Sabrethefox: well, i only read the 1st post, and I will probably never look at your journal again because it is a special place for your thoughts
Sabrethefox: your journal is not like mine where I just spill goofy stuff out, yours has more feeling and involevs me
Lita FireStorm: ::Shrugs:: H looks at it all the time. I suppose it's good that you read it every now and again too make sure we're on the same page since I don't tell you stuff.
Sabrethefox: so... ummm...
Lita FireStorm: Hmm?
Sabrethefox: well... I'm not ready to leave you... but it did put me in the mindset that you want to be sure you are good... this is good to know that you are preparing yourself into not screwing up a relationship by keeping to yourself, but want to communicate to grow stronger bonds with me
Lita FireStorm: I'm glad you understand..
Lita FireStorm: I want to this to be right and make sure that everything is right before I go diving into something head first. I know I fall easy, I really do...and I think that's one of my many faults. I'm trying to be careful for both our sakes and take me time and test my feet in the water before wading out.
Sabrethefox: well honestly, I havent felt that you were rushing the whole time
Lita FireStorm: I tease about getting married and moving to Cali alot, I know.
Sabrethefox: but there is always a little truth in funnin though... and that does get me excited when I know it wont be like overnight
Lita FireStorm: Why's that?
Sabrethefox: because I know that when you visit you will not be like "ok, I am ready to come to you" but will hope it brings you one step further in making a decision to come to me soon :-)
Lita FireStorm: ::Smiles:: Silly boy.
Sabrethefox: well... is that a thought in your head? or am I thinking too fast?
Lita FireStorm: No, you're not.
Sabrethefox: not like I am saying that I wouldnt be happy if you did say "yay, me staying" hehehe
Lita FireStorm: ^^;
Sabrethefox: <3
Lita FireStorm: ::pokes his nosey::
Sabrethefox: ::nose wrinkle::
Lita FireStorm: ^^; ::giggle, cheek kiss::
I can't think of I song right off the top of my head that I wanna put here, so I'll leave this one songless.
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| Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
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8:43 pm
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I can't remember the last time that I wrote in this thing and that probably means that it's too long.
I think that I made a mistake. C'est la vie, yeah? Life is nothing but mistakes and I definitely think that I made a big one and are about to repeat it Saturday if he comes back this way to go home. I suppose I should explain.
When I spoke to Kris the last time he told me that he was going back to UVM. I decided to take one of my days off and go and see him before he left. This was yesterday. I think I've cried four times since then. Once when I was getting ready to leave, AGAIN before I actually left, after I had told him about Jason, and then again today, about 2 hours ago having said that I was going to lay down and take a nap. I never did get to sleep. I couldn't. I tried, I really did but it never came. I laid down and all that came to me was the tears spilling from the corners of my eyes. I think I'm just depressed, hence why I never made it to sleep and why I slept so shittily last night.
I didn't think that it was going to bother me, really. I guess that I was way way wrong on that one. Sad that he still gets to me that much. We were watching a movie and I poked him in the arm and he rolled over and tickled me and I turned away from him and he wrapped his arm around my waist to keep from falling off the bed and I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.
I told Jason that I went up there, even though he didn't want me to go because he was worried about me. He said he wasn't sure how it would effect me. I didn't think that it would be too bad, but now I know what he was talking about. He's such a good boyfriend and I hate that I don't love him. But, it's not that easy. I think that it's going to be a very long time before I think I'm ready for that kind of commitment. He slips up sometimes, Jason does, and he'll say "Fox loves Kitty" instead of "Fox hearts Kitty, " or something like that. It scares me when he says it, as I think that I've mentioned it before so I won't delve.
Someone told me, or perhaps I heard it somewhere one time, that it takes three months for every year that you're together to get over a relationship. That's a year and three months. Maybe I'll get there, but just not right now. I feel a bit bad though, because I feel like I'm somewhat using Jason to get over Kris. I mean, I really like Jason, I do. He's a great guy and he's just everything I've said in previous posts. That's not a lie, nor is how I feel about him, so I'm safe there, I know. I just don't love him. I mean people date all the time that don't love each other, so it's not that bad a thing. I know I want to forget Kris, and maybe I am using Jason a little bit. But who doesn't? Everyone uses everyone for something. Love, companionship, romance, green, lust, envy, change, to forget. So what if I do a little bit of my own? He is. And it's not a bad thing. And I don't think that mine is either. I don't need to dwell on my memories or my past with Kris. That's done now, because of him, and it's not going back to the way that it was. I'm trying to accept that. And it's coming slowly. The more time I spend with Jason the easier it becomes. Well...became....until I took my stupid ass up there yesterday and hung out with him.
And then I suggested that I wanted to his Allison, his mother, and that they should come back by the house on their way out. I'm just. I never cease my amaze myself. Glutton for punishment, as always.
I feel that just by seeing him for those few hours I killed everything that I was working for and everything that I'd accomplished by way of getting over him. Ugh. I said I could come to his graduation, and I said I wanted to and he said that we'd set aside one day just for us to talk and what not.
And now Jason is mad about me because I'm depressed and don't feel like being fucking cheerful and I said something wrong. I tried to apologize and he just brushed me off. So, what the hell ever. He's not ever talking to me. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings or anything by what I said. Oh, fuck, I don't know. I'm a lost cause. Why the hell he likes me in the first place I'll never know. He says it's because I'm cute. Yeah, really fucking cute now aren't I?
___________________________________________________
If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope maybe I'd get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery would be well spent
Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me
If your love could be caged,
Honey I would hold the key
And conceal it underneath
The pile of lies you handed me
And you'd hunt those lies
They'd be all you'd ever find
And that'd be all you'd have to know
For me to be fine
And you'd cry a little
Die just a little
And baby I would feel just a little less pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me
Give it up baby
I hear your good-bye
Nothing's goin save me
I can see it in your eyes
Some kind of heartache
Darlin' give it a try
I don't want pity
I just want what is mine
Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that your're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me
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| Thursday, April 27th, 2006
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1:03 am
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Mah. Well,. I decided to do something for myself and I bought the first and second seasons of Sailor Moon. A mistake if I say so myself as it just makes me realize how devoid my life is of romance and what not.
Yesterday I had a dream:
I walked down the street, gazing at the twinkling stars over my head as the wind caught the loose strands of my tied back hair and blew it into my face. It was a special moment, if I said so myself, but I could see where the clouds were moving into and a storm was approaching. It didn't matter. The lights glittering on the torch lit poles, lighting my path were bright in their resolve to show me my way for the evening. Although, where they were showing me I wasn't too certain.
People walked together, talked together, laughed together as the moved along past me. I was the only one walking toward the center of town. Everyone else was walking away from me and as the people slowly filtered themselves out of view, one by one, I became a bit more depressed with each step.
Sad, though I knew not why, but so much so that the pang in my chest caused my hand to raise and lay over my heart in attempt at quelling the quarreling emotions that lay there. It was then the wind picked up and the rains finally began to come. A drop here, a drop there before the tears of the clouds were pounding down on the pavement so harshly that I couldn't half hear myself think.
I wouldn't run, though. I couldn't. I couldn't do anything but walk the way that I was going, it seemed, towards the center of town. As if my route had been planned out in another life and I had no conscious thought about myself, I was just a program fulfilling my programming.
I had this strange feeling inside. The feeling that I was alone, and had never felt so much so in all my life. Upon the realization what the longing pain inside myself was I stopped my slow gait and closed my eyes. My head was pulled downward, so much so that my chin nearly touched my chest. I felt weak and afraid and the hand over my heart tightened.
The rain suddenly stopped hitting my head but I could still hear it hitting the pavement not two feet infront of me. My face knit in the complexity of thought and my eyes were opened to see what had caused this strange phenomenon. An umbrella, it was. Simple and large but a shield, all in itself, from the darkness and the rain. Suddenly my view was filled with another small surprise. One that came in the purest of reds and sweetest of smells. Roses. And attached to those roses was a hand, and attached to that hand was Jason.
A horribly romantic dream, I think, brought about my all the Sailor Moon I've been watching. Maybe, maybe not. I'd like to think so though. But it made me depressed. Why is it so hard to find someone like that? Someone that would shelter you from the rain and bring you flowers and just let you know that they care with a few words or a gesture.
Maybe it is the damn anime just getting to me. I wouldn't doubt it. But then again this anime has special meaning for me as it's where Justin and I both got the character names that brought us together. rather nostalgic if I say so myself. Who knows. All I do know is that I'm depressed now. I tried to tell Jay about my dream, but saying something so romantic in a serious tone just doesn't suit me well. I joked about it and he said something about being a jerk who doesn't do those kinds of things and I wanted to cry. Hell, I still do want to cry. I'm talking to him right now on the phone...Maybe I should just hang up and let it all out and just cry myself to sleep. I know it'd make me feel better. I always get so damn emotional on my "time of the month." Stupid hormones.
Then I get angry all at the same time, wondering why the hell I'm being so damn much of a girl. I dunno what to do. I'm dumb, I know that for sure. Makes me feel like Usagi-san. So frustrating how she can always imagine what love is supposed to be like but how it hardly ever works out that way. I feel the same way. Love never works out like you think that it should. Men have lost all zeal on how to treat a lady. I wish just one time I could have a moment where those silly day dreams came true. Where some guy showed up with flowers and a sweet sentiment. But then...Kris once told me that life wasn't a fairy tale or a romance novel. Kinda shoots Do you think I should give up? Settle for whatever comes my way, as I just know I'll never find anyone that'll be so sweet to do something special for me every time we meet. Like a flower or something, you know? I feel like I'm chasing a butterfly with a net that has holes way too large for the sport.
Well, I should probably continue this, but H is making me angry. He's helping people instead of spending time with Shay and he's putting her off. Geez, doesn't that sound familiar? Why are men so stupid?
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| Friday, March 17th, 2006
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9:57 pm
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Well. Apparently something is wrong and the phone line is like...I don't know. Dead as a door knob. Phone is still on but it's like there is one off the hook somewhere. Affirming my suspecions after I picked up the phone and didn't hear anything and then called and got a busy signal. Sigh. Can't get on Final Fantasy or anything. I miss my friends! ;;
Speaking of friends...Henry is back from his cruise. I'm rather disappointed in him though. " I only spent $200 on drinking and gambling! That's not too bad!" I was just..Ugh. That's not bad my foot! He was talking to me about it and I flat out told him that he could either talk about something else or talk TO someone else. He knows howI feel abuot things like that. I do feel a bit bad for him though. He said that his lil g/f Shaylaa ( Her FFXI name ) is having surgery. Poor guy. Not a good night for him.
MJ's granddaughter Amanda came for a visit with her son Nathan! He's sooo cute! I want one. Jaybird said we could have one, lol I'd jsut have to move in with him. Sounds great to me, actually. Things are still going very well between us, by the way! *-* HipHip Hurray!
Today I was talking to David. It happened to have been one of those rare occassions when he wasn't pissing me off...He shared a link with me about a story that he wrote. He showed me two that he wanted me to see, but I went to the webbie and I read the last one on the site....I don't know why he didn't show me that one first. It was beautiful. Made me tear right up. Sigh. In any case in made enough of an impact on me that I'm going to post it here for later. It's hard to read something and feel the emotion that the person was feeling. Feel the love as well as the heartache. I sit here and I wonder why he doesn't write books....Sigh. I'd read them...I wish he'd have written more....
Until later....
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Drawings
Tarsakh 11, 1372
Counselor Leonara?s estate was dark, and the only glow coming in through his window was from the full moon outside. Though he didn?t need that light in order to move about with ease ? his darkvision was more than adequate for that ? it?s glow provided illumination for things that his night-eyes couldn?t. The ink on a page was something that his darkvision could not distinguish, but in the soft glow of tonight?s moon he would be able to see every detail. And so, gathering up a quill and a vial of ink, and a few sheets of paper, he silently glided across the floor of his room to the hidden panel he had found on his first day there. Working the lever, the wall slid open and he entered the long hallway beyond it.
In the days since his arrival, Dailan had gone to great lengths to discover every hidden door, every secret hallway. Leonara?s estate was full of them. And, while he had previously moved about the house using those passages, it was more for amusement than anything else. Tonight, however, he made his way through those corridors in secret, giving in to a temptation that had grown in his mind until he could no longer fight it.
For nearly a half-hour the tiefling made his way through the hidden passageways of the estate. When he arrived at his destination, he called upon every ounce of stealth that he could muster. The panel opened silently enough ? he had come to expect that of all the doors here ? and on the other side lay a bedroom. He cautiously entered, keeping his sheets of paper quiet as he walked.
There was a spacious bed in the center of the room, and in it, Dailan spied the reason for his trek. There, Iria lay sleeping. He made his way to a chair at the edge of the room ? it was next to the large window and would provide the best perspective. From that vantage point, he stared at the most consuming vision of beauty he had ever seen. As the moonlight flowed into the room, it spilled onto Iria?s form, coloring her in a spectrum of blues, each soft and stunning. He took a few minutes to let his eyes drink her in, memorizing every contour, every shape so that, even when he closed his eyes, his eyelids pulsed with the afterimages of her form. He spent an eternity there, just staring. When he finally remembered his purpose, he took the paper and pen and began to sketch.
Time ceased to exist. Dailan must have spent hours there in Iria?s room, carefully trying to capture the beauty of this woman ? the only woman that he had ever loved. She was lying on her stomach, with an arm drawn up close so that the hand met the shoulder. Her hair was down and covered her back, spilling over sheets. The silk sheets themselves, soft and delicate, seemed too rough by his reckoning for her fair skin. Her lips ? oh, those lips ? parted slightly when she breathed, and were the only contrast to the blues of the scene. They alone retained their hue, and even with night?s palette of colors they retained a hint of red.
He did not know how long he had been there when she finally stirred, but the moon had changed its position so that a sliver of light drifted in across her eyes. Iria let out a deep sigh in her sleep, and took a moment to shift in her bed. Dailan tensed as she did, not knowing whether it was safe to remain. But, a moment later she settled back down, her breath returning to normal.
Dailan?s body did not un-tense, however. There before him lay Iria ? all of her. Her shift had now set her on her back, and the sheets that had covered her now lay tussled to one side. As the moonlight poured over her, he could see her breasts slowly rise and fall as she breathed in a deep and contented sleep. She was, without a doubt, the most stunning creature he had ever beheld. There was no other woman that could match her consummate beauty ? indeed, it was not just her soul that was beautiful, but every part of her was wondrously formed. She was perfect. He watched her silently, two minds battling within him. The first was filled with the guilt of an intruder, a thief, taking that which he ought not. The other was filled with desire, yearning for this woman ? a woman that he truly did love. Instead, he simply took up a new sheet of paper and began a new image.
More time passed, and Dailan continued to draw Iria?s form on his papers. She stirred occasionally, but he did not have the apprehension he had the first time. Inevitably, her eyelids found that sliver of moonlight again, and she would shift slightly, prompting Dailan to begin anew. He did not mind. Each page was, in its own way, a masterpiece. Not for any skill of the artist, but because of the beauty of the subject. And so he continued.
The moon was moving in its orbit, so that most of the good light of the evening had passed, when Iria began to stir again. In anticipation of a new portrait, Dailan drew a clean sheet of paper, and idly wiped his ink-smudged hands onto a cloth he had brought with him. Iria moved in her bed, this time laying on her stomach again, and facing her head away from Dailan. He waited for a moment, making sure that she was still, and watching her beautiful hair slowly move across her back. As it did, however, he caught sight of something that made his breath stop.
All across Iria?s back, scars marred the surface of her otherwise perfect skin. The milky flesh had been broken innumerable times, and suddenly Dailan?s heart moved to his throat. He stared for a long time at those scars, perfectly and painfully illuminated by the night. His breath was shallow, his expression tortured, as he memorized every cut, every gouge, every lash. His mind stumbled through a thousand wounds, each scar telling another tale of pain, and Dailan ached inside that this perfect creature before him had endured so much. That she endured it silently and willingly made the ache in his soul all the more profound.
Dailan had no control over what happened next. All he knew is that his feet were lifting him from the chair. His knees and ankles cracked slightly as they moved for the first time in hours. As his body moved closer to Iria?s bed, his mind knew that he should not be this close, but that did not stop him. Slowly, quietly, he kneeled down before her. Though his eyes still stared at the scars, he could only see a blur of blues as tears began to cloud his vision. He blinked them away as best he could.
Just a tiny staccato breath was all it took. Dailan had tried to keep it in, but by now he was so filled with love and sadness and anger and a thousand other emotions he could not explain, that he let out a muted sob in spite of himself. Instantly he saw the muscles along Iria?s back tense, and he flew into motion. Stealth was secondary as he grabbed his things and made it to the panel, collapsing into a heap on the other side of the hidden hallway. After a few moments he regained his composure again and sped through the secret halls, making his way back to his own room to spend the rest of his sleepless night.
Iria hadn?t heard the breath as much as felt it brush against the bare skin of her back. It had roused her just enough that her mind snapped to instant alertness when Dailan?s footfalls had darted out of the room. In one motion, she snatched up a dagger in one hand and her sheet in the other. She sat up quickly in bed, covering herself and readying the dagger against the unseen intruder.
Instead, she stared only at an empty room. The curtains in front of the window were still swaying back and forth telling her that someone had been there, but they were long gone. Her eyes scanned, confused and a bit frightened. Her heart was beating quickly, and she uttered a silent prayer to Tyr. Then, in the silence of the room, something happened. There was a gentle rustling sound near the window, and as her eyes followed its source she saw two sheets of paper gliding to the floor.
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| Thursday, March 9th, 2006
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5:16 am
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So. Since it's 4am we'll go from night before last. I was talkin to Jay on the phone when Dad walks in and just stares at me and then starts screaming about how I'm being too loud and he can't sleep and blah blah blah. I'm on the freaking phone and he's just standing there yelling and throwing placemats.
So I've decided that after he threatened to pitch my shit out into the back yard that I'll just move it all downstairs later today. He doesn't want it down there? Too bad. It'll get them some peace and quiet, no? MJ also came out tonight and asked me to turn down my music. I was tryin to be really good and keep quiet and not talk on the phone and let them sleep. I didn't think I had it all that loud but she was all like " Yeah well you go in there and see how loud it is. Jesus Christ, enough is enough. " SO! Yeah. moving everything into the basement. Mebbe they're tryin to get me to move out. Who knows. Only bad part about that is that the phones get SHITTY reception down there and I dunno what I'll do! I also don't know if the cable will reach down there or not...guess I'll be finding out soon enough. ;; Makes me sad that I might not get to talk to Jay as much as I'd like to.But I guess I won't get to talk to him at all if dad pitches everything out the door.
Speaking of moving out...I'm thinkin that if everything goes well in July they might get their wish. Jason wouldn't mind me there and I wouldn't mind being there....Of course there is mom and Christopher... Sigh. I don't know much of what to do. Alot has changed snice MJ got here.. Some better some worse. She takes all my things and moves them around and I can't find it, lol. Like my clothes. I've been folding them and setting them on the counter in the bathroom for I dunno how long now just because I get up, shower, and then put them on. She keep putting them in the hamper. If I wanted them there that's where I'd put them, you know? Ugh. They'll be gone all weekend and then Amanda and Nathan are coming back with them...maybe it'll calm down some after that. If they'd just ask instead of runnin in here screaming. I was trying to do well..
^^; Oh! Mom took us out to dinner tonight at Village Tavern and I was talkin to Chris about Jay. I'm really happy with him...He's so sweet and nice and just...rwor! lol...I'm excited to say the least. He's always so nice and so supportive and free spirited and mature whle being immature, but mature in the good ways...He doesn't think he's mature, lol...He doesn't even know. He laughs easily. I like that as well and best of all he says he likes me alot! lol. He said he was gonna ask me to marry him...I say that he's silly and Christopher says that he's going to tackle and pummel him if he even NOTIONS going to one knee, lol. My boys are so cute <33 No doubt about that. They're the two people that can make me smile and laugh and feel good no matter what's going on in the world.
I'm goin' back to garden offically on Saturday. Dwight isn't very happy about that. Not one bit..Can't say that I blame him...that means more him and Gene time. Gene is such an asshole and a sorry department head. I feel bad for my guys..I do..;; Wish they'd get rid of Gene and I'd stay in a heart beat...Sigh...I'll miss you Dwight, Leonard, Richard. ;; Good luck and dont kill him too quickly after I'm gone..AND KEEP THE DAMN DESK STRAIGHT! lol
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| Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
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9:43 pm - X.x..jeeebus.
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Well! I'm happy to report that my journal gets to be...well...Happy... lol. Compared to what it had said God only knows it could use some perking up. Let me see.
- I've gotten full time at work and I put in for an IMA position,and there is even speak about me going back to garden!!! Seems fun enough as IMA! I love the other IMAs. Especially Paul. He's awesome and very sweet. And I think he kinda has a crush on me. Which is cute! I think, but he's married. Hah!
- But ya wanna know another secret? It's a wonderful secret that makes the fact that Paul is married not even matter! lol. Actually, before I get into that secret I'll just say that it doesn't matter if Paul were married or not! Flattering yes, possible...no. Friend! Only. Anyways, since I'm done rambling... Secret is out. I have another boyfriend. Yesterday was our one week. I know I know. I'm a whore. Seems like so little time has passed between Kris and I breaking up, but you know what? Kris doesn't give a flying fuck about me our my feelins or what we had, well, neither do I. And you knwo what?? Jason is a much better boyfriend than Kris. Hell, Jason is a better person all around. He's responsible, mature, has a great job, dotes on me like no ones business, sends me nice things, always has something sweet to say, or some nice little compliment to pay me, lets me pick fun at him til the cows come home and just laughs at me. He calls me cute when I sleep and you know what? I'm gonna go see him in July. him and Henry both, so Kris can take that and shove it up his freakin' heartless inconciderate, noncaring, ass. But that's for point 3. Right now, Jason. I'm a bit depressed by the fact that he lives in Cali, but right now I think that it's best that we're not too close to each other. He's like me. Just got out of 8 years with someone and being together just helps us both deal with that. Being together with him is just lighthearted and calming and relaxing. Can be together and just not worry aout it being too serious. Just fun and good for the heart. I don't even fret about Kris anymore. He doesn't even hardly cross my mind. I come home looking foreward to talking to Jason and no one else ^^;
- Now for Kris. He doesn't call me, he doesn't answer/retrun my calls. He says he's too busy. I say bullshit because he never had trouble talking to me before. So I don't know what the junk his problem is and I really don't give a shit. I've noticed that after I had that little episode about a month back he quit signing on his new AIM name and his other name. Pretty much just stopped talking to me completely. I wonder if maybe he got a new g/f or maybe he's sad because he does miss me. Wouldn't that be cute. Oh well. His loss. Jack ass. I got someone better now! Although I do have to thank him. If it hadn't been for Kris I'd never had met Jason. I'm in my angry phase I think. Angry and noncaring! So he can lik my ass. I'm over him.
- Last thing for the evenin. I was at Sam's getting some pizza and a cookie and I drove by Jeremy's car. I used to work there so I know people's cars. I wasn't really lookin but something caught my eye and so I stopped and backed up and on the back of the window it had " Forever loved, never forgotten CJ Spence. July 5th, 2005" on it. I knew CJ pretty well and he was one of my cage buddies. I didn't even know he had passed. I figured something had to hae been up because I hadn't seen him for a long time, but my lord. No one told me or anything. I just sat in the car for the rest of my lunch period and stared off into nothing. Sigh. He was a good kid and it makes me sad that he passed like that.
Well, time for bed I think...I'll try to write more and catch up since I have something to write about now. See ya.
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| Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
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11:04 pm
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So, I was talking to him on the phone and cried like an idiot and he asked what was wrong and I said nothing....and he got angry with me because I said nothing was wrong. So, I said " You know what the hell is wrong. " and he goes " Oh, I didn't think that you'd still be upset after so long. " wtf. Just because he's not upset about it anymore doesn't mean that I'm not. I'm the one that's still in love....not him. How long was he upset after I told him I just wanted to br friends? He tried relentlessly to get me back and that kind of determination was one of the reasons I went back out with him....
...I called him a bit ago to tell him I got sunday off to come and see him and he said he didn't know because he had to study for a final on Tuesday. Maybe he'll let me come up for a bit...I need to give him his Christmas present. Bleh....I think I cried in the car because he said his mom had days off and was coming to get him when his finals were over....I...wanted to see him...at least for his birthday....
::Shakes her head..::
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12:02 am
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I feel so stupid that this still affects me so much. I can't talk to him on the phone without crying. I hate that he helped me so much be what I wanted to be. Strong and alive...He promised me that he'd never do to me what Justin did. Never hurt me like that or leave me. More lies, I'm afraid. While I can't say that I'm sorry that I fell in love...I am sorry that I let it take me so completely. I should have simply continued to be that damnable statue that I once was until it was appropriate to take it down. It certainly was not time for it to be taken down with Kris. I thought that since he was moving down here....that since he said he loved me and made all these promises that it would be ok..and I could do what he asked and be a girl...and not a statue..How foolish I was to believe him. I don't beleive anything anymore. My trust is so shot...
He won't even call me...or sign on line to talk to me. God damn me why am I still so in love with him? I despise him so much for hurting me....But..I look up to see if he's online..and the part of me that's upset is gone and I don't even remember that we're broken up.
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| Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
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1:16 am
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I talked to BBD today. He's angy with me. I have no reason to be a girl anymore. I liked that shell that I used to be content with, and am reverting back to that. Emotions are overrated, and it hurts much less when I just don't fucking care about anything. Sadly, it still hurts....And while I'm told that marks me as human, I can't stand the thought of falling prey to such dire emotions.
These are a few poems and things that Kris wrote for me on Valentines Day. Oh how reading them made me cry like a baby. Despite the walls I erect and the stone I encase myself within....he still gets to me...I still love him, no matter how much I hurt.
When I was little I would wonder when things would happen to me.
The beauty of life, the happiness, the love that I would see.
I’d watch couples hand in hand walking down the road.
I’d stop and stare and smile there, and thought I could never be so bold.
Things happened, as they do, and I became a rock.
I cared little for others and the things that they thought.
That lasted for quite a while as they fought… and fought.
And every day she was there for me, never watching the clock.
She was with me everyday, at least for a little while.
She heard me out, listened to my story, and then made me smile.
My feelings grew as they do, when you find that one
I’d say they were from the situation, but that would be just wrong.
The things I feel aren’t driven from stress, or from the moments I had.
The feelings I have are true and pure, enough they drive me mad.
Not mad in anger, or anything else, but simply from the rush.
The emotions I felt that stirred within turned that stone to mush.
I don’t regret a single day since the day that I met you.
I’m only sad that I did not treat you the way that I knew.
The way you should be treated was as the best thing in my life.
Because that’s what you are. You make me feel like I am special
Something that no ones done before.
You are my angel, my perfect girl, I would not change the thing.
No matter what you were or will be I will always feel the same.
My heart is yours its been that way since the day that I met you
Except that I told you one day just so that you knew.
I don’t know other ways to say this or how to make it words.
I simply write and hide and act an ass, to that special girl.
I want to be with her every day and every moment and hold her every night.
I want to be able to go to sleep with that special one held tight.
You are my dove, my kitten and the love of my life.
I know this now with no contestation or strife.
Its 730 stitches I’m willing to eliminate for good,
Miles that I’ll put behind me for a chance with you again.
I don’t want my days to be without you, or as just a friend.
If that’s how it must be I’ll be your friend till the end.
But I think we can be so much more, and be happy at that.
I think that we have the chance to be soul mates at last.
So Stephanie Russell, I’m left to say.
That my love for you grows each day.
I’d try and describe it but I simply can’t, the feeling is just there
And I know it’s going to last.
--
I love you. Always and Forever. You have my heart and no one else ever will.
That’s a promise I can make and not worry about keeping, because I only have one
heart.
And I don’t want it back. I would give my life to make yours better.
Happy Valentines Day.
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Kris is the name of an illness.
Kris is the name of a bane.
Kris is the name of a worthless child.
Who gives his name most shame.
Kris is the name of a bastard.
Kris is the name of an asshole.
Kris is the name of a wounded puppy.
Who worries if he will be whole.
Kris is the name of a dork.
Kris is the name of a boy.
Kris is the name of a love-struck moron.
Who gave his heart in joy.
Kris is the name of a man.
Kris is the name of my soul.
Kris is the boy who gave his heart.
Because now he was whole.
Kris is the name of happiness.
Kris is the name of a smile.
Kris is the name of joy.
Because she’s mine for a while.
Kris is the name of laughter.
Kris is the name of jokes.
Kris is the name of fun.
Because he is happier than most folks.
Kris is the name of enjoyment.
Kris is the name of love.
Kris is the name of jubilation.
Because he found a dove.
The changes about were brought about from an introduction most sublime.
A girl, a dove, a perfect angel, who oddly I found online.
She saw through me like I was invisible; she is incredibly smart.
A surgeon really, a coronary miracle, she reached in and fixed my heart.
The Grinch got off easy, only three times that day it grew.
Mine was increased by infinite amounts, numbers I never knew.
She brought the change from the first to last, each one I owe her thanks.
The world, she said, is worth the time for you to smile and dance.
Of course, dancing is not my thing, I’m not the most coordinated fool.
In fact I cannot even sway without stumbling, but please don’t be cruel.
While my feet can’t dance, my heart can and will, at her voice and with her
touch
It’s sent into a thrill, swirling, spinning leaping, it dances almost too much.
For sometimes I cannot control it, and it makes me bother, and at those points
smother.
And so I apologize, for the times I can’t control, but you must remember you
fixed me.
And I still learn how to use what you give me, my heart and my soul.
Though.. actually its not true, since my heart is yours.
I’m a blathering silly man, who drowns in the love he’s feeling, but is learning
how to swim.
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| Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
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10:51 pm - What did I do so wrong?
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A friend said these words a long time ago to me.
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My system of beliefs focuses on love, and a big part
of love is forgiveness. Be that forgiveness of self,
or of others. And yes I believe in a Third Party :D
upon whose forgiveness everything really depends. But
we don't have to get into that. If you're in the
wrong, can you learn to forgive yourself? If you're
not, then are you able to stop blaming yourself for
something you haven't done? Bottom line, I have to
say that it sounds like the two of you aren't
compatible, simply because he's not willing to make a
change. Yes, romance is work for males, even for
romantically-minded me. It takes work to *want* to
bend over backwards for a princess, to always want to
please her and make her happy. But that's what a
prince does. :) Love is work...
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These are things that Kris said to me in posts in my journal.....He doesn't even care enough to read it anymore...I...God I wish he still cared...My friends say that I'm a good girl friend. I buy food and other things for him, I drive up to see him every weekend, I clean his apartment, I give him anything that he wants...I try to be there for him, and support him, no matter what. Everyone says I'm so great...so why doesn't he see that? What is it that I do that negates all these things that everyone says is so wonderful?
The other night when he said why he didn't love me I almost took my own life. I...couldn't face the world without him. I still don't think that I can...But I have this strange hope that I'm holding on to. Probably something to help me deal with it. Denial? I still have the cuts on my wrist where I started and then stopped. I can't do anything right...I can't even do that right. I'm too much of a coward. But someone said that he didn't see how he couldn't be in love with me. How he said Kris seemed to happy...and that none of this made sense. Another friend said that when he spoke to him last he was so happy to come live with me in the spring. No one, myself included, can see where this is coming from, and I can only hope that it's just a phase. What did I do to you, Kris? Please just tell me so I can fix it...
Where is my Tora? Where is this Kris that pledged his love to me and wrote all these kind and wonderful things to me? Who said he'd wait for me, and love me forever? What did I do to lose all that, when I finally realized that he was the best thing that ever happened in my life? When I finally realized that I wasn't in love with Justin,...and that I've never known any kind of love like this. My feelings for Justin meant nothing. I thought I loved Justin, but I loved his image, and all the memories of Darian and Lita.
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I know you'll probably want me to shut up at one point or just stop.. but I'll keep going, just because this is from me, from my heart.
You're the best thing thats ever happened to me, I'm romantically inept, socially challenged, and not exactly good looking. But you love me, and I can't figure out why (though I'm thinking it may be a genetic defect). I love you with all of my heart, my mind and my soul. So much that I think about you every day, even if we've had an argument or you told me not to call.. (which I still do because I hate not talking to you in any form).
So why have I been so fucked up lately? I'll try and recap it in ways that make sense..
1.) Work. It just isn't covering all the money I really need so I have none to spend on other things that would keep me sane. Thats why I was so upset when you visited and offered to pay or we picked up an (albeit overpriced) meal and I might not have had enough money.. thats not right. I wanted to be able to treat you like I love you, which is without having to stop and pause. I hated the fact I might not of been able to give you everything you wanted and you were so good about it either way.
2.) Classes. Nights I get home I wanted to be able to spend with you, cuddled up til the early morning hours, not going to bed early and forced away from your side. But thats not happening either because you know better and send me to bed, and usually I'll agree simply because I know I need to.. I hate not being able to see you, or talk to you. Thats why I was so hurt when you didn't want to do either.
3.) The game. I know, I know. Its just a game. But you know I take things too seriously or too literally. And I trust you with all my body, but I don't trust my ability to keep things good and well between us, I've fucked it up too many times.. so that brings me to the game, where I cause huge arguments between us and bring the words 'break up' to your lips (even as a threat, it scares me). I'm worried that you will find that guy who is better for you, because if you don't forget we met playing a 'game'. Roleplaying is pretty much a game, and thats how we met. While you were with Justin, and I tried to take you away. Eventually I did and got the best thing in my life. But I'm worried someone will do that to you and steal you away from me.. I trust you, but I don't trust in my ability to make you completely happy and fulfilled. So when I don't get responses or you mistell something that could be taken misleading then just pass it off or ignore it with a 'nothing' I get worried, stupidly I know, but I do. Especially when you said 'Great now I've got two to worry about'. That just could mean so many things and I get panicked, which you've seen first hand..
So yes my love, it is a game, but its online, which is where I met you and tried to take you from another and I'm worried that can happen to me so I try to hold on too tight, trying to keep you constantly with me which is wrong in the first place.. I know you're a big girl and I trust you to be true to your word but I know how lost I'd be without you.
I love you, more than anything. I worry about you, more than anything. You're the light of my life and I don't want to be left in darkness, yet I keep dimming the switch trying to make it brighter..
I don't know what else to say really..
I love you.
Tora.
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I don't know if you want comments or not.. I don't know how they'll make you feel.. but I think you deserve them.
I'm willing to wait for you, forever if need me. But I can't wait as a second class friend. I can't sit there on beck and call then be ignored when I come to your aid. I love to help you, it makes me feel like I'm important to you. And before you say it, I know I'm important to you, that just gives me a feeling of it where it may not have been. It wasn't so much that you're treating me like shit.. you're just treating others so much better than me. Like Hein, I got so upset that night because you were calling him baby, which is southern I know, giggling at him, joking with him, then reaming me out for acting jealous. I know, we're best friends and it shouldn't bother me, but you know I love you. I think most of the reason I got so mad last night is because other people were asking me why I could sit there and take being treated like they had seen me be treated. They just don't get I love you that much.
For the last time.. you are not trash, you are not below me. You are everything I want, and I do not want to leave. I don't want to walk away from you, I refuse to walk away from the best thing in my life. If you need me to stop cuddling, stop trying to be affectionate I will. If it lets you sort through the things you need to quicker. I was just frustrated because you were with everyone else all the time, and I didn't think you were giving this stuff much thought. I was trying to rush you to figure it out, and I know I can't.. last time it took months. I didn't have months this time, I was dying without you after everything that happened when we broke up.
I can accept that you want to be apart because you need to figure things out. I can accept to be apart because things I have changed. I refuse to let you go because you don't think you're good enough for me. If thats the only reason we're apart then its a bad one.
So think about what you need to. But only I can decide what's good or bad in my life, so talk to me first about it.
I love you, more than anything.Though I guess I can't keep telling you this every fifteen minutes. It just makes things so much harder on you.
Time to read Faust..
Kris.
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Well here goes.. maybe I can write this here and let you read it without being a pain in the ass.. I can't seem to succeed anywhere else and I'm sick of ruining moments and have things degrade to one word responses just going back and forth.
I love you Stephanie, that goes first, and foremost. More than anything in this life or the next, more than anything. Now the second point. I don't know how to express this without getting you upset with me, without seeming like a whipped little bitch.. and causing general problems..
The conversation in the latest entry, since now you won't update because of me being a moron, and I understand that.. I understand every problem I've caused lately.. I just hate how much our roles have reversed. You were yelling at me for how distant I was.. and now I'm yelling at you for how distant you are..
Its ironic how its a complete reversal, I want to cuddle you, do actions with you, talk to you all the time.. and you're being me, not doing any of those things. Now I'm the one who wants to act like I was there, doing things we did and its hard when you don't do such things back.. I just want to know why.. the only thing you said was because you weren't in the mood you didn't explain.
I've been thinking like you had, about perhaps breaking up... I don't want to though, I don't think its something I could ever do. But I want to, so you don't have to put up with me anymore. We're barely a couple it seems, I call you and tell you I love you, and I mean it, but beyond that I just seem to get on your nerves.. and I hate that. I want you to be happy, and I'm not giving that.. I wish you could just tell me how you wanted me to be so I could be that way for you.. but you insist I need to figure these things out for myself. And you're probably right.. about things to do with the heart you normally are.
I'm just confused, mentally and emotionally distraught trying to have things like they were because I'm selfish and don't like the way they've changed.. I love you so much that I'm willing to do anything to make you happy, if you want a break or you want anything.. I just wish you'd tell me.. I'm going to ask you to read this, even though you'll probably get angered because I'm just being a whiny bitch... but oh well. It makes me feel better to write it.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
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9:04 am
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I'm so stupid. I want to me mad at him, to ease the pain, but I just can't..
Aurora Shaitan: Oh, thanks for calling by the way.
PossibIyRetarded: I didn't know I had to.
Aurora Shaitan: Yeah, I guess it's too much to assume you still care.
PossibIyRetarded: If thats what you like to think. Maybe you just need to make up your mind, either I'm supposed to bug you when you're upset, or I'm supposed to leave you alone.
PossibIyRetarded: 90% of the time, its leave you alone. I can't read your mind.
Aurora Shaitan: I never want you to leave me alone, even if I say I do....but then again I guess it's not your responsibility anymore. I apologize I said it.
PossibIyRetarded: Thats not fair and you know it.
Aurora Shaitan: Not fair? Did you call to see if I was ok after you said something so cruel?
PossibIyRetarded: You asked.
PossibIyRetarded: You didn't want to leave it alone.
Aurora Shaitan: That means you don't care about me anymore? You didn't wanna know if I was ok?
PossibIyRetarded: I was giving you some time to come back, you didn't. I ended up taking a nap and doing laundry while cleaning.
Aurora Shaitan: Like I said, I'm sorry for assuming.
PossibIyRetarded: Just.. get some sleep.
Aurora Shaitan: I doubt I will, you know that.
PossibIyRetarded: Well.. try anyway.
Aurora Shaitan: You don't have to pretend now, you know.
PossibIyRetarded: I'm not pretending, but whatever.
Aurora Shaitan: Yeah, whatever.
PossibIyRetarded: You won't believe me either way I say it, so whatever is oddly fitting.
Aurora Shaitan: Hard to trust someone who lies to you, so yeah, I guess it is.
Aurora Shaitan: I mean if you can lie about the important stuff, God only know what the little stuff means.
PossibIyRetarded: I didn't lie about important stuff, I just left it out in an attempt to save your feelings.
PossibIyRetarded: I figured maybe you'd just believe me.
Aurora Shaitan: Oh yes, you did lie.
Aurora Shaitan: And it would have been better to just get it over with instead of dragging me through the mud for 4 days before just saying it.
Aurora Shaitan: Everytime that you said that you loved me it was a damn lie. When you said your feelings hadn't changed that was a lie.
Aurora Shaitan: I asked you point blank if you loved me if you were in love with me and you looked me in the eye and said you were in love with me. Another lie.
Aurora Shaitan: or if*
PossibIyRetarded: I can see nothing I say will help this.
Aurora Shaitan: What is there to say? You lied to me, Kris....I offered you my heart, my trust and you lied.
Aurora Shaitan: ...Unless I just did something horrible to you that you aren't telling me and you're covering that up with this.
PossibIyRetarded: No, you didn't do anything wrong. It just didn't work like it should have.
Aurora Shaitan: ...Why did you lie to me?
PossibIyRetarded: I didn't, I just hadn't set aside the time to think through everything in my brain and heart, so I went with what I thought I knew.
Aurora Shaitan: ....I just can't beleive you'd say something like that and just not mean it two days later.
PossibIyRetarded: I know, its pretty horrible.
Aurora Shaitan: Forgive me if I just can't accept that yet....
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.-
Aurora Shaitan: We've worked so hard at this, and given up so much. I just....can't think that it just ended like that..Snap of the fingers. I can wait for you, Kris...and I will.
PossibIyRetarded: Guess I can't stop you, eh?
Aurora Shaitan: ...I love you, with all my heart, all my being. I thought I knew what love was before, with Justin and I was wrong. I never knew anything so sweet and so pure until that first night I slept in your arms. I can't just give up...eevn if the chance is the smallest in the world...I'll take it.
Aurora Shaitan: ...I know you know how I feel. I went through this once and I told you I had to put things on hold a bit while I thought out how I felt, and if I wanted you to have my heart. You swore you'd never break it again, so I let you have it back, for keeps. So that means it's yours, Kris...I'm sorry if that's not what you want, or if that annoys you or..I don't know...but I'm sorry too that I can't just stop.
PossibIyRetarded: I wish it could be the way you want it, but it just doesn't work. -Sighs.-
Aurora Shaitan: I told you I'd wait. I can wait. Even if it never happens, I'll still be waiting, baby.
PossibIyRetarded: I'm going to go get the last of my laundry and head to bed..
Aurora Shaitan: ::sighs....nod::
PossibIyRetarded: Try and get some sleep, okay?
Aurora Shaitan: I think I'll just go read...
PossibIyRetarded: As you wish.. Have a good day at work tomorrow.
Aurora Shaitan: Don't have work tomorrow.
PossibIyRetarded: Oh, thats cool. I'll be on campus till about 4 :/
Aurora Shaitan: Well, if you're in the mood, gimme a call.
Aurora Shaitan: ..Well...anyways...night.
PossibIyRetarded: Night..
Aurora Shaitan: Sweet dreams.
Aurora Shaitan: Kris...
PossibIyRetarded: ?
Aurora Shaitan: Even if you don't feel the same way...I just want you to know that...I love you. More than anything...I love you so much. Please don't forget that...If you ever change your mind...Don't forget. And I'm sorry if you don't care, or want to hear it....But it makes me feel a little bit better.
Aurora Shaitan: I also wrote something for you in my journal, if you care about that either.
PossibIyRetarded: I won't forget it, I do promise you that.
PossibIyRetarded: I'm going to get some sleeep. I need to be up at 6... Night.
Aurora Shaitan: ::Smiles abit:: Kinda hard when you have two hearts.
Aurora Shaitan: Oh, I'm sorry...Go to bed.
Aurora Shaitan: Night.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, November 14th, 2005
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4:29 pm
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Dearest Kris,
we've been through so much, we've overcome even more and you can so easily throw that away. But with that you threw away my soul. You took away the one thing that matters to me most in this world. Your love. I find it harder and harder to face the day without it.
I can't see, because to look at another only breaks my heart all over again, to waste a prescious moments glance on someone who isn't you.
I can't eat, because my body has shut down. It doesn't care what happens to it now, doesn't care if it wastes away into nothing.
I can't sleep, because my body doesn't have you to hold me through the night, or need the energy to make it through the day.
I can't breath, because to smell something that reminds me of you, or another with your cologne, making my heart flutter and gasp is a cruel intrusion of my deliacte sense.
I can't dream, beacuse throughts of you fill my head, and no matter how I have you in my dreams, how happy we may seem, when I awake, I awake without you in my arms, and my life means nothing.
I can't live, because my heart beats only for you, and without you it's lost it's rhythm, leaving me cold and lifeless.
You hold my eyes, my body, my mind, my heart, and my soul. Without those things I am nothing. Without you, I am nothing. I long only for the day when you realize that you still love me and return to me, so that I may be complete and live again.
I love you,
More Than Anything,
Stephanie
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PossibIyRetarded: Well?
Aurora Shaitan: Why are you asking?
PossibIyRetarded: Because I want to know, everytime I talk to you its quiet and sniffles, and full of nothings.
PossibIyRetarded: I can't keep dealing with nothings. Just say it.
Aurora Shaitan: Say it? Say what? Say that I love you, and I feel empty and lifeless and hopeless and heartless without you? That I go through everyday dragging and hurt because I don't even know what the hell happened to the best thing that ever happened to me? That I had my heart broken and I don't even know what to do with the pieces. That every person that I see is you, and every song on the radio is about you, and I that I can't go to sleep at night without having nitemares about being in your arms and god only
Aurora Shaitan: knows what else that will never happen. that...I love you...and I feel lose, and...I don't know what to do...
PossibIyRetarded: Well start by not letting yourself waste away, that won't do anyone good. Keep up eating, sleeping, talking to others. You're shutting yourself off and just making yourself more alone.
Aurora Shaitan: I do talk to people, it just makes me miss you. I don't care about eatting, or sleeping... I can't honestly say that I care about anything right now.
PossibIyRetarded: Well, try. You're making yourself sick.
Aurora Shaitan: What do you care? You can't even tell me the truth.
PossibIyRetarded: What truth?
Aurora Shaitan: Half the time you were trying to tell me what was wrong you were lying. I don't know what to believe about anything that you said.
PossibIyRetarded: What was wrong with who?
Aurora Shaitan: With us.
PossibIyRetarded: What wasn't true?
Aurora Shaitan: " I just don't think that things are working like they should. It's just different..No, that doesn't mean that my feelings for you have changed... I just..Ugh...I don't know. "
PossibIyRetarded: What exactly is it you want from me?
Aurora Shaitan: I just want you to love me....Like before...that's all I ever wanted from you.
PossibIyRetarded: I can't.
Aurora Shaitan: How do you know you can't when you don't even know why you don't love me anymore in the first place?
PossibIyRetarded: I don't love you anymore because I don't look forward to spending time with you, or talking to you. Because I haven't anxiously sought to want to be with you in a long time. I want you in my life as a friend, to talk to when its there and not have to be bound by everything else.
PossibIyRetarded: Are you happy now?
PossibIyRetarded: Is that really what you wanted to hear?
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
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8:48 pm
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" I don't love you anymore. " are the worst 5 words I've ever heard in my life. How the hell do you just decide that you love someone more as a friend than as a significant other? What did I do to him to make him not love me anymore? Doesn't he care how much it hurts me? Why isn't he even upset with it? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! I can't even talk to him without crying. I try to put the phone down so he doesn't hear me. I cry myself to sleep. I hate myself for it. But god damn it, I love him so much.
What's wrong with me?
Why does love always have to leave me empty handed?
Why do I suck at love?
What did I do that was so wrong that I keep getting fucked over by everyone that I fall in love with?
Why even bother falling in love at all if all you get is heartbreak??
I can't look at someone without seeing him, I can't smell another cologne without smelling his. Nothing that didn't happen before...but now it hurts. It hurts so bad. All those stupid songs on the radio that make me think about him. Everything makes me think about him. Everything reminds me that I love him....that he used to love me. ....That he -used- to love me.
What did I do that he doesn't love me anymore?
Why doesn't he love me anymore?
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, October 30th, 2005
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7:16 am
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I'm not sure how I feel anymore. Everything just feels so numb...I almost cried again this morning. How stupid. I'm over the whole situation and yet I still almost cried. I was reading my book last night and my characters made love for the first time, and all I could think about was him. This morning I think I almost cried because I knew that I was never going to feel his lips on mine, or his arms around me.
I thought that he loved me, but turns out that he was doing all this just to make me happy. I don't know what to think. I can't bring myself to feel anything about the situation. I still love him, and if this is what he wants then I'll give it to him. Before we went to bed last night we were talking on the phone and I accidentally said that I loved him, and he said it back. The fucking coward said it back. I hate him so much. How can he play with me like it's nothing? How can he come down here and fulfill my dreams and it all be a lie. How could he do something so cold? God I hate him. I hate him so much. And he still wants me to come visit him Sunday. " We're still friends right? " what an asshole. But if that's the only way that I get to have him it has to be good enough, doesn't it?
What did I do to make him so angry that he fells he needs to do this to me? Wasn't I an atleast decent g/f? I tried to do everything I could to love him and be supportive. At least I tried...I tried so hard to make him happy. Why can't I make him happy? Why aren't I enough to make him happy? I hate him for coming down here, I hate him for lying to me...I hate him for breaking his promises....I hate that he can still make me hurt so badly...
I need a shower....
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, October 29th, 2005
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8:40 pm
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Kris broke up with me today. No need to type what he said. I'll never forget a word of it as long as I live, lol. I will post out conversation we're having right now though.
Didn't even wait for me to come visit. He did it all over the phone, lol. What a backbone he has! Ah well. If he needs time all I can do is give it to him. ^^; He'll come around eventually. I'm not sad. I know he'll be back. I just hate that he's been lying to me all this time...but ah well. That's something else he and I need to talk about I suppose. XD
I don't like how he moved down here if it's not what he wanted. I'm really angry with him. That was very inconsiderate of him to get my hopes up and give me a part of my dream and shit and then ust be like " Hahaha! By the way. Nevermind! "
Guess I should have seen it coming.
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Aurora Shaitan: ::tackle:: ^^; Hi
Aurora Shaitan: Sorry about how I acted. That was really immature of me, I guess.. =P
PossibIyRetarded: Hi.. -Wavewave.-
PossibIyRetarded: Not at all. It wasn't something you were wanting to hear. If you'd been happy, I'd be worried.
Aurora Shaitan: Be worried? Why's that? ^^; That means it would have been a mutual break up,. Aren't those the best?
PossibIyRetarded: Yeah, thats true.
Aurora Shaitan: Yup.
PossibIyRetarded: We're still friends though, right>?
Aurora Shaitan: Best friends forever.
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.- I'm sorry I had to spring it on you like that. I've been going through my mind the last two days thinking about it. I want you to know that. It wasn't just spur of the moment.
Aurora Shaitan: ::Shrugs:: I'm just sorry that all this all came up at once just because of one stupid question. But ah well. If it's what you want.
PossibIyRetarded: Stupid wireless..
Aurora Shaitan: ::Shrugs:: I'm just sorry that all this all came up at once just because of one stupid question. But ah well. If it's what you want.
PossibIyRetarded: It wasn't just because of the question.
Aurora Shaitan: Oh?
PossibIyRetarded: No.
Aurora Shaitan: Extend your explaination?
PossibIyRetarded: I've been thinking about it for a while now, I just never gave it any real thought because things hadn't hit a level I thought it needed it.
Aurora Shaitan: What'cha mean?
PossibIyRetarded: Just wasn't ready to face it in my mind yet, yanno?
Aurora Shaitan: Yeah. I just hate you've been lying to me for so long.
PossibIyRetarded: I haven't been lying...
Aurora Shaitan: =P Don't be silly.
PossibIyRetarded: I'm not..
Aurora Shaitan: Yeah you are. lol. I dunno how many times I asked you, your father asked you everyone asked you if this was what you wanted. And you could look me straight in the eyes and say yes.
PossibIyRetarded: -Sighs and slumps.- I'm sorry..
Aurora Shaitan: It's fine. I'm used to it.
PossibIyRetarded: Meh, thats comforting.
PossibIyRetarded: Thats comforting..
Aurora Shaitan: Well darling, you promised me alot and just threw it all outthe window. ::Smiles;: But it's alright. As long as you're happy.
PossibIyRetarded: Actually right now I'm sick.
Aurora Shaitan: Sick why? I thought you'd be happy to get all that over with. I'm not upset.
PossibIyRetarded: Stress, I guess. And a bit of just generally not feeling good. Thrown up a few times todayt.
Aurora Shaitan: Not because of telling me you didn't want me anymore, I hope.. ::Frowns::
Aurora Shaitan: Oohp....Tea waters ready, brb
PossibIyRetarded: Maybe its because I didn't listen to you, and only wore my hoodie. -Nods.-
Aurora Shaitan: ::Smiles:: Yeah. Has nothing to do with me, I'm sure.
Aurora Shaitan: Well, for the better. The head heals long before the heart.
PossibIyRetarded: -Smiles.- Well, maybe just a little bit..
Aurora Shaitan: lol Nah. Don't be silly. You're sick.
Aurora Shaitan: Can I bring you anything when I come tomorrow?
PossibIyRetarded: Nah, maybe we can go to the store and I'll pick up some more soup + abcs.
Aurora Shaitan: kk
PossibIyRetarded: And Napolean Dynamite!
Aurora Shaitan: XD I'llcallmy brother and ask himto get it
PossibIyRetarded: Grr. Wireless will not stay connected..
Aurora Shaitan: ::Frown:: Well you're switching service soon.
PossibIyRetarded: Wireless is the one I steal, remember?
Aurora Shaitan: Oh. On the bed?
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.- Curled up.
Aurora Shaitan: Don't'cha wanna go to bed, silly?
PossibIyRetarded: Just got off the phone with Matt actually [ I didn't get your IM ]
Aurora Shaitan: Oh? What did Matt want?
PossibIyRetarded: Just asking me about my illness, because he and Mom have it
Aurora Shaitan: Ah. That sucks.
Aurora Shaitan: How is mom doin?
Aurora Shaitan: She ws sick too.
PossibIyRetarded: he was giving me a man to man too.
PossibIyRetarded: Not bad, she's working tonight though
Aurora Shaitan: Man to man?
Aurora Shaitan: Awww poor thing
Aurora Shaitan: Tell her I loves her and I hopes she feels better.
Aurora Shaitan: =P What kinda man to man?
PossibIyRetarded: Just about this.
Aurora Shaitan: Ahh. What he say?
PossibIyRetarded: Just listened, really. Didn't say anything.
PossibIyRetarded: He's got more experience with this stuff than Dad.
Aurora Shaitan: ::nod::
PossibIyRetarded: Dad is... Dads emotionally retarded, really.
Aurora Shaitan: ::Smiles:: well, at least you get it honest.
PossibIyRetarded: Thats thanks to Mom.
PossibIyRetarded: She let me figure it out for myself.
Aurora Shaitan: How else do you learn?
Aurora Shaitan: So what was ya tellin him?
PossibIyRetarded: Just about how I felt, and how I should talk to you about it.
Aurora Shaitan: He say anything for or against it?
PossibIyRetarded: Nope, he said only I could answer it.
Aurora Shaitan: ::nodnod:: Just wanted someone to listen?
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.-
PossibIyRetarded: I talked to Mom about it too, I wanted both genders perspective.
Aurora Shaitan: =P You know...I can listen too.
Aurora Shaitan: What did mom say?
PossibIyRetarded: Same thing.
PossibIyRetarded: Gotta listen to my heart, no one can tell me what to do but that.
Aurora Shaitan: ::nodnod::
PossibIyRetarded: She also said that as much as I like to make everyone happy, sometimes I gotta worry about making myself happy isntead.
PossibIyRetarded: Seemed to make sense.
Aurora Shaitan: I just can't belieev you'd moev all the way down here if it wasn't for you too.
Aurora Shaitan: I know you're smarter than that, silly.
PossibIyRetarded: Obviously not.
Aurora Shaitan: ...
Aurora Shaitan: Yeah.^^
PossibIyRetarded: I just felt like I'd made you wait long enough.
Aurora Shaitan: You're smart.
PossibIyRetarded: I gots no common sense!
Aurora Shaitan: I'd ahve waited even longer compaired to this...but whatever.
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.- I really can't say how sorry I am..
Aurora Shaitan: ::Shrugs:: It's just love.
Aurora Shaitan: Well..I thought it was, lol
PossibIyRetarded: Meh.
PossibIyRetarded: I've been so nerve wracked all day. I had to force myself to eat, and even most of thats met the Porcelain princess.
Aurora Shaitan: Your fault for not wearing a hood, stupid, lol
PossibIyRetarded: Shh.
Aurora Shaitan: But, you know what they say. If you love something let it go, and if it's meant to be it'll find its way back to you. ^^; You told me to trust you, and I do.
PossibIyRetarded: I also had to go and break up a neighbors party, they were setting off fireworks.
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.- Time will tell, but if its meant to be, it will be.
Aurora Shaitan: hehe
Aurora Shaitan: ::Smiles:: It isn't,....is it?
Aurora Shaitan: I'm sorry.
Aurora Shaitan: I'm rushing again. Disreguard that comment.
Aurora Shaitan: lol Just love.
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.-
PossibIyRetarded: And I don't know, to answer it.
PossibIyRetarded: On the more amusing path, almost flooding my apartment today.
Aurora Shaitan: ::waves a hand:: Don't worry about it. Doesn't matter.
Aurora Shaitan: lol How'd you do that?
PossibIyRetarded: Nodded off with the faucet in the kitchen running.
Aurora Shaitan: That's not good. Silly goose.
Aurora Shaitan: Why don't you go to bed, yeah?
PossibIyRetarded: Soon. Finishing off a bit of food, since I found something thats staying down.
Aurora Shaitan: That's good.
PossibIyRetarded: I made cajun steak + rice pilaf for dinner.
PossibIyRetarded: I think it was the cajun that made it go AWOL.
Aurora Shaitan: I dun see how that's staying down, but okee.
PossibIyRetarded: Oh no.
PossibIyRetarded: I'm eating Saltines now.
PossibIyRetarded: With some hot chocolate.
Aurora Shaitan: Ah.
PossibIyRetarded: Saltines stick, the heat makes it relax.
Aurora Shaitan: ::noodle;:Good deal.
PossibIyRetarded: What about you, eat anything yet or continuing your trip to anorexia?
Aurora Shaitan: Not hungry...Guess I'll be anorxic or pass out from malnutrition, lmao.
PossibIyRetarded: Rofl, Nice. Great plan..
Aurora Shaitan: ::Shrugs:: The heart needs no food!
PossibIyRetarded: Unfortunately for the safety of all your internet organs, you do.
Aurora Shaitan: I'll eat eventually. Just havn't had the heart, not the stomach for it the last few days. Can only deal with so much before you just shut down.
Aurora Shaitan: not=nor*
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.- Well don't let it get too far.
PossibIyRetarded: This one time, my spleen threatened to shank and vivisect my kidney. True story.
Aurora Shaitan: o.o;
Aurora Shaitan: And I'll eat when I feel like it.
PossibIyRetarded: Alright, fair enough
Aurora Shaitan: Yup yup.
Aurora Shaitan: Ya know if you have anything to say, you can say it. It don't hurt me anymore. ^^;
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.- Alright..
Aurora Shaitan: Rather jsut get it all over with....So more more surprises like the past few days, lol.
Aurora Shaitan: I'm ashamed of my behavior.....Again, I'm sorry.
PossibIyRetarded: Don't be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for.
Aurora Shaitan: Yeah I do. I cried like a teenager. I left that behind a long time ago....I guess I thought I would me a girl again, lol. XD Should have known better. Oh well, never claimed to be intelligent. =3
PossibIyRetarded: You're very intelligent. Smarter than me
Aurora Shaitan: I doubt that.
Aurora Shaitan: The only thing that I have over you is that I wasn't willing to move up there to be with you and then get cold feet.
PossibIyRetarded: See! Smarter.
Aurora Shaitan: Don't get me wrong..I'd have come up there in a heartbeat....
Aurora Shaitan: Bleh. I'm sorry..saying stupid thigns again.
Aurora Shaitan: lol
Aurora Shaitan: So what'cha wanna do tonight, buddy?
PossibIyRetarded: -Pats.- Sleep, long amounts, till I don't feel like poopy.
Aurora Shaitan: Ah. Got'cha. Well I'll calll tomorrow at lunch and see ifin you still want me to come.
PossibIyRetarded: I have no problem with it, just.. would you think it weird if I slept on the futon?
Aurora Shaitan: Actually, I was going to.
Aurora Shaitan: I won't push you out of your bed.
PossibIyRetarded: Nah let me.
Aurora Shaitan: No, I want to.
PossibIyRetarded: You will too, I don't have work the next day.
Aurora Shaitan: You got school, I don't.
Aurora Shaitan: I get the futon
PossibIyRetarded: Pfft. Like I actually pay attention in class.
Aurora Shaitan: I'll sleep on the floor beside the bed, I swear it.
PossibIyRetarded: -.- Pain in my ass.
Aurora Shaitan: Oh yeah. Next time you feel like this and I ask you to make love to me and you actually start too, I'll kill you.
Aurora Shaitan: That goes for also you being a pain in my ass.
PossibIyRetarded: I don't plan on that even coming close to happening.
Aurora Shaitan: I actually thought you wanted to do that, lol I almost cried I was happy. I don't like being decieved.
Aurora Shaitan: =P You used to have no problems fuckin' while we weren't dating, lol. Sometimes I don't think you're a boy. ;; Ain't I cute enough?
PossibIyRetarded: I'm all man baby!
Aurora Shaitan: Apparently.
PossibIyRetarded: >.>
Aurora Shaitan: And here you used to tell me you were different.
PossibIyRetarded: Mean.
Aurora Shaitan: ::Smiles:: I'm not mean, just foolish enough to open up my heart again.
PossibIyRetarded: After I while you were the one who kept saying I was different.
Aurora Shaitan: ::Shrugs:: You used to be.
Aurora Shaitan: Now you're just like all the rest of them. A coward. lol...But it's ok, I still love ya. ::Wink::
Aurora Shaitan: LOL This theme to One Piece is still so stupid.
Aurora Shaitan: I like the " Set sail for Oooone piece!"
Aurora Shaitan: Thats neat though.
PossibIyRetarded: That game looks weird.
PossibIyRetarded: To make a random tangent.
Aurora Shaitan: Wireless go out again?
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.-
Aurora Shaitan: Oh, lol I was wondering why you didn't respond to what I said about men.
PossibIyRetarded: After I said my thing, then came back when you said 'I like the "Set sail for Ooooone piece."
Aurora Shaitan: Oh. Well wanna see what I said?
Aurora Shaitan: lol Guess not.
PossibIyRetarded: Went out again.
Aurora Shaitan: Oh,. I jsut asked if you wanted to see what I was saying about men, since we were talkin about it.
PossibIyRetarded: If'n you want, I'll probably agreee.
Aurora Shaitan: k
Aurora Shaitan: ed: After I while you were the one who kept saying I was different.
Aurora Shaitan: ::Shrugs:: You used to be.
Aurora Shaitan: Now you're just like all the rest of them. A coward. lol...But it's ok, I still love ya. ::Wink::
Aurora Shaitan: : LOL This theme to One Piece is still so stupid.
Aurora Shaitan: I like the " Set sail for Oooone piece!"
Aurora Shaitan: Thats neat though.
PossibIyRetarded: Yep. I agree.
Aurora Shaitan: Tell me when it goes out so I can repost, lol
Aurora Shaitan: Kinda hard to talk when you don't get half the conversation.
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.- I'm almost ready to get up and sit at the comp for a few minutes
Aurora Shaitan: lol Well you -are- stealing it.
PossibIyRetarded: Would you steal a car?
Aurora Shaitan: Nope.
PossibIyRetarded: Would you steal a candy bar?
Aurora Shaitan: lol
PossibIyRetarded: Then don't steal movies!
Aurora Shaitan: Yeah!
PossibIyRetarded: It says nothing about wireless internet.
PossibIyRetarded: -Points.-
Aurora Shaitan: x.x.....::eye roll::
PossibIyRetarded: Hurray for loopholes!
Aurora Shaitan: =P
Aurora Shaitan: Wanna jsut talk on the phone so you can lay down?
PossibIyRetarded: If we do that I'll pass out since I'll be able to lay down.
Aurora Shaitan: You need your rest...I'll call ya in a minute
PossibIyRetarded: Not yet.
Aurora Shaitan: o.o; Why not?
PossibIyRetarded: Quarter of.
Aurora Shaitan: O.o; why :45?
PossibIyRetarded: I wanna watch more of this SVU.
Aurora Shaitan: =P Oh, can't be becaus eyou wanna talk to me, lol
PossibIyRetarded: Oh shush, you've used that reason on me a bajillion times.
Aurora Shaitan: XD I dunno whu tyou're talkin about.
PossibIyRetarded: Sure you don't.
Aurora Shaitan: Damn straight.
Aurora Shaitan: Which one is it?
PossibIyRetarded: The one about the little boy who gets raped near the baseball diamond.
PossibIyRetarded: And they blame a pedophile who lived in the area.
Aurora Shaitan: Oh.
PossibIyRetarded: Though he didn't do it, they lock him up anyway, because they feel he's 'at risk'.
Aurora Shaitan: See it.
PossibIyRetarded: I never got to find who actually did it.
Aurora Shaitan: It was the other guy.
Aurora Shaitan: It was the friend who showed up at the funeral.
PossibIyRetarded: -.- Shhh!
Aurora Shaitan: =P He molested the boy when he was little...
Aurora Shaitan: and he molested a bunch of kids because he never got over it.
PossibIyRetarded: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Aurora Shaitan: lol
PossibIyRetarded: Rewd.
Aurora Shaitan: You need to go to bed.
Aurora Shaitan: I'll be layin down, lol call me when you're ready silly goose.
PossibIyRetarded: Okee.
Aurora Shaitan: Well, gotta post this, but in a second I will be!
Aurora Shaitan: =P Oh, by the way. That shit about me having your heart was pretty messed up, too.
PossibIyRetarded: ...
Aurora Shaitan: Not very nice to tell someone something so sweet if it's not real, you know.
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.-
Aurora Shaitan: I don't like being lied to anymore than I like being decieved... =P
PossibIyRetarded: I'm sorry.
Aurora Shaitan: ::Shrugs:: Just sutpid fantasy bull shit that I fell for..::Smiles:: It was cute though..::Cheek pinch::
Aurora Shaitan: I hate this boys voice too....He yells too much and it's assanine.
PossibIyRetarded: Who's?
Aurora Shaitan: Monkey.
PossibIyRetarded: From.. One piece?
Aurora Shaitan: Yeah. Boy with the extendy arms.
PossibIyRetarded: Oh, the Pineapple freak.
Aurora Shaitan: Mhmm
Aurora Shaitan: Anyways...just wanted to get that off my chest. We can talk about it more later...We have alot to talk about, it seems.
PossibIyRetarded: I guess so.
Aurora Shaitan: ::nods:: You've been very mean....But, anyways...tomorrow. If you feel like it.
PossibIyRetarded: I didn't mean... -Nods.- Tomorrow we can talk for a bit.
Aurora Shaitan: =-D ::mini kitten kissu:: I'll be laying down...call when you finish SVU
PossibIyRetarded: Will do
____________________________________________________________
Heard this song today. Kinda fits...lol
It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy
I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me
There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me
Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me
Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 27th, 2005
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5:12 pm
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He doesn't understand.
He never understands anything.
I wish he would stop and listen to me instead of rambling off what he thinks that he knows about everything. Yes, I do want to get engaged, and married and be in love...But it seems that I have a boyfriend who doesn't find those plans so appealing. I'm not asking him to marry me. I just...I want reassurance, I guess. I need stability. ALl my life I've had chaos and disarray and he helps make all that go away and he won't even talk to me. And because his Uncles life was ruined supposedly by this 8-year engagement he doesn't even want to -ask- me to marry him. Just...ask... We don't have to get married for 4 years if that's what he wants. But he won't even ask. I spoke with him on the phone today and he says " I don't even know if I'm the type to get married. " I just cried and said that I had to go. I didn't stop crying for half an hour, and I think my mind just shut off and I fell asleep. I woke up and could just wonder what made me wake up. Life was so much more peaceful, so much sweeter in sleep.
He doesn't get it at all. He keeps speaking to me like I'm tell him to marry me. I'm not. I'm just trying to talk to him about it. See how he feels..what he wants. I know what he wants, but just not why. He's said it himself multiple times that he doesn't want things to end up like they did with his parents. I think that's alot of it, even if he doesn't want to admit it.
I don't even think that he realized what he's doing. How much he hurts me over simple talk. He always wonders why I don't talk to him. This is why. Again and again and again. Everytime that I try to talk to him...He's so mean. So hurtful. God I'm confused. Please help me to see through all this and see what makes him so upset. I can't talk to him about it. I try, but I'm too weak to put up with the repeated punches to the face when all I want is to talk and try to work things out.
Why would be belittle my feelings so much as to even more down here, knowing that I wanted to get married and start a family, if he didn't even share the same dreams. I don't know what to do, but I feel like I'm losing him in some battle over an area that I can't even begin to fathom it's expanse.
PossibIyRetarded: You haven't answered my calls..
Aurora Shaitan: ...Havn't you broken my heart enough today? Why do I need to answer the phone and have it done all over agian.
PossibIyRetarded: ... I didn't mean to, or think I had broken your heart..
Aurora Shaitan: You confused over the phone you don't know one thing about our future. You don't even know if you want to get married. Such a childish pretense. This isn't your life you're messing with, Kris. It's mine too.
PossibIyRetarded: I knew it was going to happen, just not at the speed I think you want.
Aurora Shaitan: I don't want to be 30 before I get married and settle down. That's ridiculous.
PossibIyRetarded: Ridiculous to you, not so much to me.
Aurora Shaitan: We can't even make love, Kris. That's devistating to me. Why are you so hell bent on waiting so long? What will it change?
PossibIyRetarded: I don't know what it will change, and it's not like I entirely enjoy waiting. But I know for a fact I don't want to get married anytime soon.
Aurora Shaitan: If you don't know what it will do how do you know that you don't want it?
PossibIyRetarded: I realistically don't picture myself getting married or engaged till after I'm out of school, have a home and am settled with a job. It's what I want.
Aurora Shaitan: I do not want to spend the rest of my life waiting. That's all I seem to be doing. I wait for you, I wait for distance, I want for love. I don't do anything but wait. I'm so sick of waiting and watching life pass me by.
Aurora Shaitan: Isn't that part of it though? Getting married and buying a house..together?
PossibIyRetarded: This isn't going to change about me, I know that. And I'm sorry.
Aurora Shaitan: And I can understand your hesitation about marriage, but what about being engaged?
PossibIyRetarded: I don't want an eight year engagement.
Aurora Shaitan: Eight years?
PossibIyRetarded: Figurative amount of time.
Aurora Shaitan: Will you quit fucking basing your life on your entire family!
PossibIyRetarded: I'm not basing it on my family.
Aurora Shaitan: You don't wanna be engaged like your uncle, you don't wanna get married like your parents,.
PossibIyRetarded: My mother got married young.
Aurora Shaitan: Think of what YOU want!
PossibIyRetarded: I'm basing it on what I want.
Aurora Shaitan: Exactly why you don't want to.
PossibIyRetarded: I don't want to get married anytime soon.
Aurora Shaitan: We are NOT your parents!
Aurora Shaitan: Did you not say that you loved me and that you wanted to sit on a freaking porch in the middle of no where and grow old with me?
PossibIyRetarded: Stephanie, I know that better than you. I could give a fuck about my mother and her love life. It was what made me hesistant for relationships, no longer.
Aurora Shaitan: What the hell is holding you back so much?
PossibIyRetarded: BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED YET.
PossibIyRetarded: JESUS CHRIST.
PossibIyRetarded: I don't want it in the next four years, or five, as far as I know.
PossibIyRetarded: If it changes, I'LL ASK.
PossibIyRetarded: I don't need you to tell me when to do this stuff, its my life too.
PossibIyRetarded: I apologize that I don't fit your life plan, but its whats going to happen with my life.
PossibIyRetarded: I'm sick of having everyone try and change my fucking life.
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(comment on this)
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1:19 pm - Whatever.
|
I don't know what to think anymore. It's like that blanket that Kris provided for me is slowly being pulled away. Is it sad that I want him to ask me to marry him? Am I going to quickly? I don't want to push him...I just...I don't know what I want. I guess I do think that would be a romantic step. Just imaging how he would do it...It'd be really sweet I bet. I'm so stupid. This makes me tear up, too. I don't know...don't know anything anymore. I got onto him about being nice and sweet....I guess I just need to get it through my head AGAIN that I'm not in some romance novel....But other guys do nice things for their g/fs? Why do I need that so much? I don't know. It's my own shortcomings that I care so much....
PossibIyRetarded: It diededed.
Aurora Shaitan: I heard...WElcome home.
PossibIyRetarded: Dankies.
Aurora Shaitan: mhmm
PossibIyRetarded: Wrong button ; ;
Aurora Shaitan: ?
Aurora Shaitan: I'll sleep with you if you PL a PT for me later.
PossibIyRetarded: We'll see.
Aurora Shaitan: ._.; I should let you know that if you don't accept I'll have to make the same offer to someone else to get what I want.
PossibIyRetarded: Well, its your future. -Shakes his head.-
Aurora Shaitan: Yours too. So you should do what I want. ¬.¬
PossibIyRetarded: Not when you threaten with offering it to other men, that just means you're a harlot, and I should leave you!
Aurora Shaitan: Probably.
PossibIyRetarded: Well then, if thats how you see it...
Aurora Shaitan: ::Ho, knows it::
PossibIyRetarded: If you can find 5 other smart people, I'll PL.
PossibIyRetarded: But I refuse to PL a retarded spanish player. That defeats the purpose.
PossibIyRetarded: I missed you last night! I slept all fitfully!
Aurora Shaitan: I missed you too baby....I called twice and you didn't pick up.
PossibIyRetarded: I passed out really fast, then got restless by about 4.
Aurora Shaitan: ::nodnodnod::
PossibIyRetarded: -Kissu! Sprawls out in bed.-
Aurora Shaitan: ::mini curls up beside him::
PossibIyRetarded: -Offers a bite of poptart, fresh from the toaster.-
Aurora Shaitan: ::head shake...likes toaster stroodles better::
PossibIyRetarded: -Nodnod, cuddles and eats.-
Aurora Shaitan: So. Lets talk.
PossibIyRetarded: About?
PossibIyRetarded: -Pokes-
Aurora Shaitan: Well.
PossibIyRetarded: Well...?
PossibIyRetarded: Things are never good when they start out with 'So. Lets talk'.
Aurora Shaitan: Getting thoughts together.
PossibIyRetarded: kk, brb while you gather
PossibIyRetarded: Back.
Aurora Shaitan: wb
PossibIyRetarded: So, thoughts?
Aurora Shaitan: I'm tryin to play this in my mind if this is a valid thing or not
PossibIyRetarded: Just say it.
Aurora Shaitan: I just wonder....And this may be my own impatient streak...but...Why we don't take things are further than we do.
PossibIyRetarded: Like what? Getting married?
Aurora Shaitan: Yeah....But maybe not that far.
PossibIyRetarded: Whats farther than what we are without being married?
Aurora Shaitan: ...
PossibIyRetarded: What?
Aurora Shaitan: I dunno.
PossibIyRetarded: I'm just not ready, we can't even go a week without arguing.
PossibIyRetarded: So.. on a random tangent, whats the 53.88$ from?
PossibIyRetarded: Steph?
PossibIyRetarded: -Pokes.-
PossibIyRetarded: Did I kill you?
PossibIyRetarded: k, can you hear me now?
PossibIyRetarded: Steph?
Aurora Shaitan: I just want some time alone.
PossibIyRetarded: Why..?
PossibIyRetarded: You wanted to talk, so talk, don't just ignore me like usual.
PossibIyRetarded: Why is it the only time we can talk about a problem, is when you have a problem with something about me?
Aurora Shaitan: I'm not running away I just need some time to get into my head that we're apparently not as well off as I thought we were
PossibIyRetarded: Who says we're not well off? You don't need to advance in a relationship to prove its working
Aurora Shaitan: It was what you said.
PossibIyRetarded: Uhm.. no?
Aurora Shaitan: Yes. You said " I'm just not ready, we can't even go a week without arguing. "
PossibIyRetarded: We can't, and that bugs me. But it doesn't mean I think our relationship is failing.
Aurora Shaitan: We're probably never going to go a week withut some kind of argument...That's how peopleare. They argue and work out their differences. I like to argue. Either except it or move on. THings are never going to be perfect.
PossibIyRetarded: I know they're not, there's just a few things I need to work through still.
Aurora Shaitan: That sounds like me...Like wjat?
PossibIyRetarded: Right now, I'm confused as hell.
Aurora Shaitan: About?
PossibIyRetarded: You went from the plausability to only being with me because you didn't want to hurt me, to wanting to be with me constantly.
PossibIyRetarded: In about a week.
Aurora Shaitan: I didn't say that.
PossibIyRetarded: Yes, you did.
Aurora Shaitan: I said sometimes it felt like that...but I don't feel like that anymore. I was just upset and Fox was giving me alotta attention and was talkin about stupid stuff and I was dumb enough to listen. That was my own fault.
PossibIyRetarded: Thats another thing, I'm always being compared to another ideal or another guy. It drives me insane, I'm me and never going to be more than that, take it or leave it. I don't want to know what xx did way back when, or xx was doing now. I do things my way.
Aurora Shaitan: I'm not comparing you, Kris...I'm tryin to tell you what I did wrong and what happened....You don't listen.
PossibIyRetarded: No you weren't. Not a lot of the time atleast.
Aurora Shaitan: You know why?
PossibIyRetarded: No, tell me.
Aurora Shaitan: Because. I feel like I'm missing a big part of my life because it seems like everyone else does something sweet for someone else but me. No one sends me flowers or is romantic with me or anything like that. It sucks and it hurts and I hate it. All you wanna do it watch movies and play video games. We never go anywhere, go on dates, do anything. So yeah when some guy does something that sweet I throw it out there because YOU DON'T DO IT. Nothing like that. So when you do do something sweet and
Aurora Shaitan: romantic I kinda cling on to you because it makes me feel better..more complete...More like I found what I was missing..
Aurora Shaitan: I try not to let it get to me...I try not to really say anything about it but it sucks not to have any romance in your life what so ever. It sucks to feel like this all the damn time. So I start stupid fights because you're always sweet to me afterwards because that's the only way you ever do anything for me.
PossibIyRetarded: I'm just not like that, I know its horrible and silly, but its not something I really do. I don't know why, just know I don't appreciate feeling inadequate for it.
Aurora Shaitan: Well, it is a shortcoming. Chicks need that kinda shit. that's why I flirt so much. I like it when people do sweet things for/to me.
PossibIyRetarded: I know it is, but you know what. Here's from a male point of view. You flirt and do sweet things for a girl for sex, thats the reason 90% of the time, or higher. Even if you're not getting it, its an attempt to get sex. I'd rather just hang out and spend time with the person because I want them their, not get them flowers because I want to screw them.
Aurora Shaitan: That's stupid as hell. You're not like every other guy and that's not what you want from me and if you think that I don't know that and you STILL don't wanna do it than you need to find yourself another freaking g/f because I'm not going to be treated like that because you THINK that that's all I awnt.
PossibIyRetarded: I'm just saying thats what most guys who do that stuff are looking for when they're doing it. It's not an honest show of affection, its trying to get pants off.
Aurora Shaitan: Well if you're like that then maybe it's me who needs to leave
PossibIyRetarded: I never said I was.
Aurora Shaitan: then why can't you ATTEMPT to do that, knownig that I know that you're not like that?
Aurora Shaitan: That's a damn sorry excuse.
PossibIyRetarded: I do do it, its just more rare.
Aurora Shaitan: rare as in never,m or when I bust your ass about it.
PossibIyRetarded: I'm just a bad boyfriend, or a sad excuse for a decent one, I've told you that.
PossibIyRetarded: Romance isn't my thing, never has been.
Aurora Shaitan: Apparently "trying" isn't your thing either.
PossibIyRetarded: I have tried, it got swamped by what other people did.
Aurora Shaitan: Tried what?
PossibIyRetarded: When I've shared poems with you, or got you flowers, I get to hear about what other people sent you.
Aurora Shaitan: No I don't.
Aurora Shaitan: I only said that when you STOPPED sending them to me.
Aurora Shaitan: I guess my biggest problem is that you used to do all these things....when we were friends...And after you got me you just fucking quit. You quit everything..It's like sine you had me you don't have to even try anymore
PossibIyRetarded: Maybe that is it, I don't know. I just really don't know.
Aurora Shaitan: It's like you don't have to try anymore, because you got what you wanted, so you don't. Why do you think half the time we break up or I'm scared to go back out with you?
PossibIyRetarded: I dunno. I guess I'm just not made out for this kinda stuff.
Aurora Shaitan: Which iis really damn sad because you're good at it when you do it.
PossibIyRetarded: Because I have to almost actively plan it because it doesn't just come naturally to me
Aurora Shaitan: Poems and sending me sweet things and being nice to me has to be planned?
PossibIyRetarded: No, I thought you meant like dates and everything.
Aurora Shaitan: Those too...but you don't eevn do little things anymore.
PossibIyRetarded: I don't write anymore.
PossibIyRetarded: I dunno anymore, I just don't.
Aurora Shaitan: Well maybe we should do something until you figure it out
PossibIyRetarded: Something like what?
Aurora Shaitan: ::Shrugs::
PossibIyRetarded: You had to have something in mind when you said that.
Aurora Shaitan: Break up.
PossibIyRetarded: Is that what you want?
Aurora Shaitan: Don't be ricidulous. But it's not what I want, it just maybe what you need.
PossibIyRetarded: -Shrugs.- I don't know, but there is times where I think I was a better friend, than a boyfriend.
Aurora Shaitan: You're a better boyfriend when you're just being a friend.
Aurora Shaitan: Because you actually tried then.
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.-
Aurora Shaitan: I mean I partly fell in love with you for all those things and what do you think that feels like when you just quit doing them?
Aurora Shaitan: Am I being irrational or over bearing?
PossibIyRetarded: Sorry, internet crapped out.
Aurora Shaitan: ::nod::
PossibIyRetarded: -Plops down.-
PossibIyRetarded: So.. what are you doing?
Aurora Shaitan: Staring at the floor.
PossibIyRetarded: I'm sorry I'm so stupid about this..
Aurora Shaitan: Like you said...it's just not you.
PossibIyRetarded: Yeah, but it is you.
Aurora Shaitan: ?
PossibIyRetarded: You like that stuff, need it, and I can't seem to do it.
Aurora Shaitan: You can do it..you just don't.
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.-
Aurora Shaitan: I just don't understand why it's such a far cry for you to be sweet.
PossibIyRetarded: I don't know. I wish I did. I'm a broken model of a good human being.
Aurora Shaitan: You're not broken. You're just ....You don't think about how much little things can mean.
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.- You're right.
Aurora Shaitan: I mean I partly fell in love with you for all those things and what do you think that feels like when you just quit doing them? You used to do them...they came really easy when we weren't dating..What's so different now?
PossibIyRetarded: Nothings different, which is why it confuses me as much as you I think..
Aurora Shaitan: ::nod:: I dunno what to think. I guess that's why I was pushing about being engaged....not married yet...I know that's a big step...but because it's romantic...It'special. It's reassuring that you want me...That you want me to be with you
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.- I'm not ready for that yet though.. I'm sorry.
Aurora Shaitan: Why?
PossibIyRetarded: Why am I not ready?
Aurora Shaitan: Yes. It's easy for you to say that you love me, and taht you wanna spend the rest of your life with me, and that you can see us growing old together. Why's it so hard to confirm all that with a ring and a silly question?
PossibIyRetarded: It just is Stephanie, there's no answer I can give that will make it sound right, but when the time is right I'll ask.
Aurora Shaitan: That doesn't make much sense, I'm afraid.....I know you have commitment issues....but it just seems like you don't know if it's the right thing to do or not.
PossibIyRetarded: I'll ask when I'm ready, thats the best I can tell you.
Aurora Shaitan: I guess, after everything that you've told me. Even going as far as saying you do want to marry me, why this is a big issue for you.
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.- Wanna do something?
Aurora Shaitan: ?
PossibIyRetarded: I dunno, just relax and do something. Sit and read and hte like.
Aurora Shaitan: No I--...::sigh:: If you wish.
PossibIyRetarded: You what?
Aurora Shaitan: ::head shake:: I'm fine...
PossibIyRetarded: Say it.
Aurora Shaitan: No, we talked about it...
PossibIyRetarded: You want to talk more?
Aurora Shaitan: Nothing to talk about, I guess....You're obviously uncomfortable, and I don't want to push things.
PossibIyRetarded: Then what?
Aurora Shaitan: I said nothing.
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods.-
PossibIyRetarded: So...
PossibIyRetarded: Whats on your mind?
Aurora Shaitan: ::head shake::
PossibIyRetarded: Tell me.
Aurora Shaitan: Just thinking about what we talkedabout.
PossibIyRetarded: let me know if you come up with anything.
Aurora Shaitan: I always coe up with something.
PossibIyRetarded: Then tell me when you do.
Aurora Shaitan: Nothing we havn't already said.
PossibIyRetarded: -Nods..-
Aurora Shaitan: gonna go lay down..Don't feel much like sitting up anymore.
PossibIyRetarded: ... I'm sorry Steph.
current mood:  confused
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| Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
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9:31 pm
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I'm not sure why I got angry today...But...Kris and I were talking and I needed him...like..I wanted to be with him. Not in a rabid bunny kinda way..but just wanted to be with him. I think he took me the wrong way, he said "I'm not in the mood, " I'm also not sure why that hurt me. He was just like "Go downstairs and think about me, " As if. Besides, what girlfriend could do something like that while her boyfriend doesn't show any interest in her? I guess there are a lot of sexual frustration issues there.
I also see how he acts when we're together. I just have this odd fear that our wedding night isn't going to be anything but ass slaps and derogatory words. That almost makes me want to cry. He's just...so unromantic. I can see it now, anytime he'll wanna sleep with me he'll just roll over, do whatever then roll back over. And men wonder why women cheat on their husbands. It just makes me think of all those movies where the girl is married and along comes this romantic figure who makes her feel like everything her clueless husband never bothered to care about showing her.
Maybe it's because I'm PMSing..I don't know. But the thought of living like that seriously brings tears to my eyes. What am I getting myself into? Should this be such a big deal? Should I be upset? What should I do? I'm not sure right at the moment. I know I'm attracted to him, that's not the problem. I love him, that's also not the problem. So what is it? Once again maybe he's right about my whole fantasy land thing. Maybe this is just how things are? I spoke to him about not being romantic at all once and he said "Maybe I still have a lot of growing up to do in that area, " I don't know. What I do know is that it makes me sad, yet I have NO idea why. I feel like I'm missing something. Missing out on something that I shouldn't be. Something that I should have in my life.
I mean hell even when we're foolin around and stuff he's never sweet about it. When we were on the phone or online he's always sweet and gentle and loving and caring. But when we're face to face it's like I'm some strange object of fantasy there to give him a means to reduce his "stress." He calls it Making Love...but it's really not. I don't feel anything behind it. One night he did something so sweet. He slid his arm under her shoulder and rolled over, holding himself up with his other arm and leaned down and kissed me. I wanted to cry it was so tender and sweet. He's only done that one time and he was half asleep, LoL. He said "Make love to me, " and when I laughed at him he went back to sleep. It was so adorable. I couldn't even tell him about it. I teased him, telling him he did something cute in his sleep, but that's as far as I went with it. And another time he rolled toward me and slid his arms around me, putting arm around my lower back and just held me. I started crying, but I couldn't help it. I just...I felt it then. I felt everything that I was missing. The world seemed right, and safe. I've never felt like that before. Maybe I will again sometime.
That's all for now, I guess. I feel better now. I know I can't talk to him about these things. I don't wanna embarass him or something like that. I dunno.
current mood:  curious
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